Let's Kvetch

First let me say that I did a whole post on privilege, and all the ways I am truly lucky during this time.

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Quarantine is a huge game changer for all of us. It’s overwhelming, but I’ve realized lately just how lucky my family is in a lot of ways. Here’s ways that I’m recognizing my privilege while in quarantine: 1) while finances are a bit stressful and things will be tight for a few months, I don’t have to worry about putting food on the table or paying the rent; 2) I don’t have to worry about what people think when I’m wearing a face mask in public. There are very real fears for POC that I don’t have to deal with, and that is a damn privilege; 3) while my working is cut way way down, my husband is still able to work; 4) it’s hard being in charge of Gwens school stuff at home, but we have multiple types of laptop/computer options for her to use, as well as internet access; 5) we live in a suburban area that allows us to easily get outside without being within 6ft+ of other people, so Gwen can run, jump, and play outdoors; 6) I have a partner who shares in the work, parenting, financial responsibility; and an amazing online community that I can connect with, reach out to, and gain comfort from. I’m not alone in this; 7) and I have an established physical practice that I can utilize at home, without equipment, to help keep moving, and center myself. I’m seeing a lot of people  talk about seeing this as a positive - and I encourage everyone to do that as much as possible within their own circumstances! - but I also encourage my friends who are middle-class, partnered, white, home owners, still working, to see the privilege they are coming from. And if someone is NOT in a place to “see the positive” then let’s respect the hell out of that. I’ve been helping collect some money to pass on to yoga teachers I work with (🙌🏻🙌🏻 to @therealyogimuse who started this!), who aren’t in the position I’m in right now, and have been grateful to be able to pass on $100 to two teachers so far. If you’d like to contribute, Venmo is @ Megan-K-Hannan - note “Yogi Relief Fund”. Thank you to all who’ve helped so far!!

A post shared by Meegs (@tattooedmeegs) on Apr 8, 2020 at 9:35am PDT

I know how lucky I am, how very much worse things could be, but in the interest of full disclosure, and memory keeping, I want to be really honest here. To be a little shorter about it, I want to bitch!

1) I'm what you would call an ambivert... and I realize the further we get into quarantine just how true that label is. I feel like I both never get alone time, and never get that group time with friends and students either. I'm left feeling drained, and find myself short with my family. I crave a whole day alone in the house, and then hours and hours out with friends.

2) Notice how I said house above? What I meant was apartment. Stupid, small apartment, with no yard. Its so dumb, this really is a beautiful apartment, but we already were so ready to be in a house, and this just reinforced it. I want a yard I can release Gwen and Daisy into, a want just a little more space inside, so I don't have to rearrange everything in the living room to make enough space for my yoga mat, just a little more for us to spread out and not be so on top of each other all. the. time. So that Gwen could enjoy her habit of very loudly singing the same 2 lines of a song 500 times in a row somewhere not 3 feet from me. I so desperately wish I were doing random house projects, and preparing garden beds for planting.

3) Not that I could be preparing garden beds right now anyway, since Colorado gifted us with snow and cold temps this week. So outside isn't happening so much. Grrrrr. But we have been gifted with random things to fix, as things just keep breaking! Things we would normally call maintenance for, we're now struggling to fix, since they aren't "emergencies" but they also aren't things we can live with for endless weeks on end.

4) My insomnia has kicked up a notch, which is just so fun. I've also been unable to force myself to wake up early when there is just no real reason too. I am 100% a night owl, so I just keep staying up way too late. So I'm tired.

5) I'm not so good at this holding Gwen's hand through online learning thing. The first week was okay, the second one horrible. This third week has been better. I fear that our patience will only shrink, but hopefully instead we find a pace and a routine with it. We have the rest of the school year to figure it out, as Gwen won't physically go back until next school year. The poor girl misses her friends and teachers. 

6) Besides just my ambiverted suffering, we are simply stressed out, and getting on each other's nerves. I'm more touched out then I've been since Gwen was a baby, and our tempers are all short. We're not moving enough, we're bored. We haven't eaten at a table in weeks because our dining room is a home office currently. While rent and food aren't a problem, its still worrisome to have our income more then halved, and more then that is the uncertainty about when it will end. Not to mention, this income situation doesn't exactly bring that house thing any closer.

Despite all the above, I really am trying to stay positive, but I want to be honest about where I really am with all this. While I'm lucky and privileged enough to be okay, I'm also struggling. I'm sad and frustrated much of the time, feeling aimless and annoyed with myself for it. I "know" that this will pass, and in the long run will only be a very small part of our lives, but "knowing" and knowing are two very different things right now.

How are you doing in all this?