An Honest Post about Loneliness

We've been here a little over a month. We have routines and we've started to explore. We've had visitors, with more planned. We've had really good days and not as good days. And I've been really lonely.

Not all the time, of course. Gwen, Trav, and I have been seeing fun new things and having really great days. I met a really nice woman named Bhavna, and I think she's becoming a friend (we've done tea)! Gwen and I are enjoying all our extra time together. I FaceTime and Skype and call and write and...

Life feels so very surreal right now though. I still have moments when I wonder when this will end and we'll "go home." But no. This is home now.  That can be hard sometimes.

It feels like starting over in ways that I never thought I would in my 30s. Apartment life, all of my friends across the country and in different time zones. I don't have a job, though I'm definitely keeping busy.

The chance to remake myself a bit is nice. I'm looking up different trainings for jobs that excite me. My current feeling though, is of aimlessness and disconnection.

Even things with Gwen are struggling a bit because of it. It is a very weird place to be when the person you spend the most time with is a five year old who is used to full-day school (and a full-day with a class full of kids who can actually keep up with her), who was just uprooted and dropped 1700 miles from anyone she has ever loved (outside of her parents). She is going through her own adjustments, and it is my job to be her constant. I'm doing my best to reassure her and help her, and we have a lot of fun together. But its a long day together that we're not used to, and she lashes out where she knows that she can lash out without losing anyone... at me, and Trav.

Its not everyday, but on those bad days when she's really struggling, and I get 5 hours of backtalk, fussing, crying, whining, and vitriol... and I still have an hour or more until Trav gets home... well, lets just say its hard to feel more alone.

There are really good days too. Days where I feel like I have this down, where the chores and errands get done, blog posts get written, Gwen and I have a great time, we eat great food, and I feel strong, confident, and in control. There are days when I get to FaceTime with a girlfriend, and drop an email to another, and I feel very connected.

But this is a place for honesty, and I wouldn't be painting the full picture of my life currently if I wasn't open about this very real part of my right now. Who knows what the future holds. I've certainly learned to stop trying to guess! I know that this part will not last forever, but this is where I am right now.