evening musings

Ever since my "blog break" back in March/April, you might have noticed that I've been taking more time when writing things. Instead of rushing to record events exactly when they happen, I'm trying to give myself space to experience them and then reflect on them before writing about them. This has been working well for me and this place has become fun for me again, a source of release and comfort, instead of the stressor it had become for me back in the winter.

But there are moments, like this one when I just feel the urge to sit down and write about the here and now... about this slice of time just for what it is. Pardon as this will be rather stream of conscious.

I've been staying up too late lately. Gwen is getting a cold... I can tell, because she's been having a few rough nights. 10-11 seems to be her "witching hour" of sorts, maybe because we come upstairs to get ready for bed at 10pm, so there is more movement and action outside of her door. And if she's already a little - not edgy per se - but not completely deep in her sleep yet, well it makes sense that the extra feeling of activity might be enough to push her slightly more awake. Normally if I can get in quickly and settle her, then she is fine for the rest of the night. (Though Wednesday night, wahh, 4 waking. ::snores::)

I'd love to say that is the reason I've been up too late, but its really not. Yes, I absolutely would rather comfort her first, go to bed after, instead of getting into bed and getting really sleepy, then having to roust myself. But... that's an excuse and I know it.

There is just so much on my mind lately and I mistakenly believe that if I just stay up a little longer, tire myself out a little more, that I'll fall asleep easier or quicker. Frankly though, that's not how it works for me and never has been. I'll still get into bed and lay there for 40 minutes, brain rapid firing at me every scenario beyond my control. I'll just be doing it a bit later, and a bit more grumpy because I'm that much sleepier. Why do human's do that? Why do I allow myself to focus on things that I cannot change? Situations that need to develop on their own before I can have any say in them?

It would be much healthier to just release them and let them run their course until they have developed to the point where I can actually make decisions, but that is much easier said that done, no?

I've been trying to use meditative thought practices during these times (see the words/thought, acknowledge it, let it leave) but it has been only semi-successful.

I need to practice "parenting" myself a little more. Play the what would I say/do if it were Gwen instead of me game. And the answer is always, "Get some sleep... it will look/feel/be better in the morning."

So with that thought... goodnight.


Written last night at 10:40 p.m.  ::sigh::