On Never Having Another: Grieving What You Don't Want

I've spoken before on being "one and done" (1, 2), though I realize now, never in much detail.

Trav and I are so happy with our little family, happy with all the things we'll be able to do with our One. With Gwen we feel satisfied that our family is complete. The intense need I had to have a baby is sated.

[Now seems like a good time to note that this is a very personal decision, and please don't take any of our following reasons as a judgement on anyone who makes a different decision!]

We don't make a ton of money and having only one will allow us to do more of the things that we want to do, and help Gwen experience more of the things we'd love her to experience. It means more one on one time for each of us. One means more freedoms for us. Freedom to travel more, and more easily. One means not contributing to global population growth. One means consuming less. It means not needing a bigger car.

I stand by the above completely. And yet...

There is still a part of me that misses what I don't want to have. A part of me that grieves what we purposely won't experience again.

That first excited moment of knowing. A growing belly. Inside kicks. Seeing the first ultrasound and hearing the first heartbeat. Newborn baby snuggles. The unique smell of your infant. Wearing a baby. Nursing. Firsts upon first upon firsts. 

Gwen is amazing. She is my heart in physical form, my soul made into a song. Of course I grieve not having that again! And never having another little nursling tucked against my chest... well that does me in a little.

But... 

I don't long for sleepless nights, or crying that can't be comforted. I don't wish to have frustrated tantrums from lack of words. I don't want endless diapers, or a being permanently attached to my breast.

I don't want to split time, or not be able to make trips that we would be able to now.

To be a little selfish... I don't want to gain all that weight again, rearrange my organs, lose my ability to eat sushi, drink wine, and do fun adventures that might be "dangerous." All this is especially true since I'm still losing the last of the weight from Baby Boy. I want my body to be 100% and completely my own!

(That said, I do look forward to my brother having babies that I will snuggle and hopefully (baby)wear with wild abandon!!)

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It was so odd to me, leaving the Birth Center for the last time as a OB patient; knowing that my visits would be counted by year instead of by weeks now. Our decision, though it is absolutely the right one for us, and though it is still reversible should we chose to do so (no thanks!), feels so final. And the fact that I've chosen to put my childbearing years behind me... well, that frankly makes me feel a bit old!

In the end though, this family, this wonderful beautiful family that we have created, it is perfect for us. And a little bit of grieving doesn't change that.