5 years old.

Dear Gwenivere,
Today you are 5 years old. That seems so big to me. This is the year you will start school, real official school. Where has my baby, toddler, preschooler gone?!

4.5 - Taken by Gruncle Wray

What a year this past one has been for you. All the normal growing and changing for sure, but even bigger then that, this year was the year of Surrogacy. I cannot even begin to tell you how proud of you I am. I'm always proud, but in the past month and a half since the baby was born, you have really blown me away. You accepted the idea of this baby that I was growing for someone else right from the first, but I still was unsure of what it would be like when he actually arrived. Any worries I had were put to rest immediately. You handled me gently, wanted to take care of me, and showed a genuine interest in the family. Overnight our normal routine was gone, replaced by a Mama who was slower and a little tender, who slept in the mornings instead of getting up with you. You took it all in stride. (I do have to give your Daddy a ton of credit for talking you through it all.)

This year you've really turned a corner, and you are just so much more mature than you have ever been before. I'm amazed. Though it's not all sunshine all the time - you discovered your sassiness this year for sure, which is ahead of its time. In someways, you seem to be 5 going on 15. But that intelligence, that wit, all the things that make you so trying at times, also makes you so amazing at other points. It's fascinating to me how much you grasp. You're so on top of things and you pick up on everything. You don't always want to do what we ask you to do but it's amazing how readily you understand.

Even when you are frustrating, I love being with you. I miss you on the nights that I go to yoga; I don't get to see you at all before you're in bed asleep. But I will call you on the phone, or Daddy will let you call me, and then I get to have the most amazing conversations with you. You tell me all about your day and at the end when it's time to go you blow me kisses and tell me over and over how much you love me, and that I should have sweet dreams and you'll see me in the morning. I always end up with the biggest smile on my face after these phone calls. I love to hear you tell me how much you love me and how you hope I have good sleep. It means so much to me that you say it without prompting, and that you mean it so sincerely.

You offer genuine apologies for things, as well now, hours after they happen; and show a real understanding of why you are apologizing. At the end of the day though, when you ask me to carry you up the stairs to bed, and you wrap your arms around my neck snuggling into me, well there are no need for apologies. I know I won't be able to carry you like that forever, but I'm so glad I can now.

Gwen, I could write for pages and pages about who you are in this moment - your love for superheros, your desire to be a good helper, how stubborn and strong-willed you can be. Instead I'll just say this: for every frustrating moment, there are twice as many amazing ones. Ones that give me glimpses of the strong, compassionate person you are growing into. I'm so proud to be your Mama, every single day. I hope you always know how proud you make me, just by being you.

Yours,
Mama