pulling myself up

I'll tell you the truth. I'm struggling. A lot. I feel like I'm having a (hopefully very early) mid-life crisis. I have a stable job that pays the bills, a loving husband who treats me well, a beautiful daughter that loves me and who I adore, and there are things finally happening in my life which I've been working towards for a while now. I feel like I should be happy. But I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I have fun. I have many happy moments. I appreciate life and don't want to end it. But overall I've been spending a lot of time feeling sad, frustrated, unsure, and like I am not where I should be. I wonder if I am capable of just being satisfied with life, or if I am doomed to spend forever feeling like something is missing.

I know that something has to change. I can't live the rest of my life this way. But I don't know what. And I don't know how.

I wrote that towards the end of 2013, but never published. It was too raw to share. Even with my own family and friends, but especially with the world at large. Looking back I was clearly suffering from some mild depression. I'd had a big disappointment at the beginning of the month, I was feeling desperate about a few things that are still too personal to share, and I felt like I'd lost myself. Looking back at mid-March, I had a bit of a much softer version "relapse" in there too. Not nearly so bad, but still. Tired, physically exhausted, mentally scattered. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Where I was in December. I'm glad I'm not even where I was a few weeks ago.

Little things have helped so much. The commitment to authenticity in 2014... I don't even know what that looks like sometimes, but just trying to find the meaning of what it means to be authentically me, it helps. Giving myself permission to listen to my inner voice and decided when something isn't working for me. And really, my state of mind in December was what pushed me to make that decision and that commitment.

Other things are helping: decluttering, and finding ways to consume less. Example: I'm silly excited about the 2 foaming soap bottles I picked up because 1) it is going to make our refill bottle of soap last FOREVER, and 2) it means it will be a lot easier for me to start using Dr. Bronner's to wash my hair, which will also last a lot longer then a normal bottle of shampoo. Its these silly little things.

I'm addressing minor health things that had been put on the back burner and being more proactive about my eating, and taking vitamins. 

The job stuff helps too. Now that my office is 100% unpacked, put away, decorated, and just MINE again... I feel a million times better. I was able to shake off my discombobulation and disenchantment to get. $hit. done. I was finally able to wipe out the to do list that's been hanging over my head for weeks now. I'm feeling more centered, and Monday morning will sit down to make a plan to help keep myself that way.

Also, just the reminder that March is hard for a lot of people. That helps a lot too.

Anyway. I wanted to share because more people need to share things like this. Because people need to know that it happens. Because its not something to be ashamed of. Because there is someone out there who needed to read this the way I needed to read similar posts. So this is for you.