not in my glory

I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling a bit right now. I hit on it some last week, but I'll repeat, I'm having trouble feeling like enough right now. This is my favorite time of year, the autumn equinox just passed and normally I am in my glory in these crisp, golden light, pumpkin and apple and spice scented moments. But at this moment in my life I'm struggling a little.

Its always a fine line of how much to share here and how much to keep to myself. This has always been my journal and memory keeper, and such I wish that I could be completely honest and share everything. I want to portray myself authentically and honestly, but obviously 100% isn't possible. There are things that are private, there are things that wouldn't be productive to put out there, and there are things I can't share because they are too much someone else's. I struggle with sharing things like this because I don't want people to worry. I hate writing something like this then having someone I know in real life call me in a panic because they think I'm laying depressed on the floor somewhere. I'm not. I'm just not in my glory right now.

Everything is a season. Life, like the year, is comprised of them. This season with Gwen, 3.5 years old and in preschool, loud, funny, sweet, demanding; it is hard and lovely and it will pass so quickly. I don't wish it away. This season of my 30s, I'm sure will go even quicker then my 20s seemed too. I'm liking it more, and I don't wish that away either.

But yet, this bit of struggle, the moments when I wonder what true happiness and contentment is, I wish those away. I want to glory in every moment of loveliness that I have in my life. I have so many of those moments, and I know (intellectually) that I am so lucky for that. Its hard not to feel like I should just snap out of it, like everyone else is happy and I'm the only one who doesn't have it figured out. I know that's not true, but its hard not to feel that way.

I know this will pass, it always does. This is a season, like any other. In the meantime, I hug my daughter closer and close my eyes while counting to ten in those moments when she drives me crazy. I do yoga and revel in the deep breathing, the moments of quiet, and the feeling of my body completely engaging. I curl up with Trav on our overstuffed chair and watch X-files. And I know that I'll have glorious moments soon.