back and forth

I so often find myself going back and forth, back and forth, in my emotions and specifically my frustration levels when it comes to this life of mine. There are so very many things for which I am beyond grateful, so many ways that I am blessed. My family, is the biggest and brightest of those. But I am also not unaware that the roof over our heads is something to be thankful for daily. That the food on our table, good food that is healthy and tasty and plentiful, is a luxury that others struggle for. I am so glad that my daughter won't know hunger. I'm so glad that, while we aren't wealthy by any means, we are stable and secure and have a cushion.

When you landed here today, on this little place I call my virtual home, you probably noticed it was changed again. A new background, a new banner, probably at some point today and bit of a rearranged layout. I did this last night in a bid for control! A need for change that was wholly and completely in my hands. There are big things in my life now that I want to change so desperately that I spend the dark hours of the night exploring how the old decisions in my life could have been done differently to lead me to a different "now" then I'm actually in. Silly and pointless and ultimately doesn't make me feel a smidge better.

I find the joy in everyday life, I have happy days and some overwhelmingly gratifying weeks (like last week!), but I have these things that feel like looming clouds waiting in the wings for the night to come so they can swoop down on me and smother me in the quiet dark. Well, that was very dramatic. Lets cut down on wordiness and just say that they are always in the back of my mind, and annoyingly apt at needling their way in upon my happy thoughts. Its hard to escape them when one of them is the job you spend 8 hours a day at, plus commute, and the other is the house you come home to.

I don't think its so crazy of me to want the things that I want. A job that I find some joy in, some reward. A house that I love, in a location that I appreciate. Its frustrating that both things are, at the moment, largely out of my control to change. (I'm glad I can be honest here, since otherwise, I largely keep it to myself.)

I suppose what is in my control is my focus, and so I'll practice aligning my focus on the positive.

This morning.