remembering

Today was my Gram's memorial service.

It was the weirdest feeling of deja vu, sitting in the same church, same pew, almost exactly 2 years since my Pop's service. Gwen was with me then too, just under 4 months old, and she slept or nursed through most of it. This time, not so much. She did well, but Trav had to take her out at the end, since the hour service exceeded her sitting quietly abilities!

But it was nice. Sweet, upbeat, and full of good people sharing fond memories of a wonderful lady.

I'm so glad that we already have plans to be up that way for camping come August, because I would have been so sad leaving today if it was possibly my last chance visiting a place where I spent so much time growing up. 

The hardest part came before the actual ceremony, when thee question came out of Gwen's mouth, "Mommy, where's Gram?" I want so badly for her to talk about Gram, to keep her knowledge of her alive and in the forefront of her mind, so she won't be lost to her completely. We have a picture of Gram & Pop in the living room and my heart warms when she points to it and says, Gram. I know any actual memories of Gram will fade in her mind, but I want her to keep having the warm association when she says her name; to know that she knew and loved and was loved by an amazing Great Grandmother.

That said, I didn't want to have this conversation. I could do this conversation with a 5 year old, a 10 year old, etc.; it would be hard, but I knew what I would say then. I had no clue how to answer my 2 year old. I knew what not to say... no "she got sick" or "she went to sleep" because we don't want those associations at this age, when they can't find the difference between Gram going to sleep and never coming back, or herself going to sleep.

I shed the majority of my tears today while my mind raced to find the words to say answer her. What we ended up settling on was telling Gwen that Gram wasn't here anymore, that she was in the sky in heaven. We told her that she was safe and happy there, and that she could look down to watch over us. We told her that we could always look at pictures of Gram and smile thinking about her.

And she was satisfied with that.

I guess that is the one easier thing about this age. She asked a question, she got an answer, she moved on.

I'm sure there will be more questions eventually, but after today I feel a little more confident about what my answers will be.