on dealing with loss

This weekend was beautiful and so hard. I already look back on it with gratitude, but I wish it never had to happen.

My Gram is at the end of her time here on Earth, and she is so ready to move on. Her body is tired (though thankfully, not in pain), and she misses my Pop. She's ready to go to heaven, be with God, and see the love of her life. Saturday we all gathered together to see her and tell her how much we love her. My parents, two uncles and aunts, and some of my cousins were there. Ethan came from DC. She was awake and was able to tell us how she loves us. We reassured her that we knew, and were able to tell her the same back.

Leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. Driving away I knew that most likely I would never see her (alive) again. Gwen gave her hugs and kisses. I kissed her cheeks. She always had the softest skin, she still does. I didn't get the same chance with any of my other grandparent's, to tell them goodbye, to express my love one last time. As hard as this is, I'm am so glad for that opportunity. There is nothing more that needs to be said.

Now it is her and her sons. Apparently she was awake very little yesterday, and I'm expecting the call anytime. I'm praying for her to go. She's ready and doesn't want to linger. And this watching and waiting... well, I can only imagine how hard it is for my dad and his brothers.

I was saving this quote for a long time. I didn't know when I would end up sharing it, but I knew I wanted too, because its lovely. It's fitting here too, since my Gram collected elephants.

I love elephants. I remember seeing an IMAX movie when I was younger about these amazing animals, and the thing that struck me, even then, was their ability for compassion and empathy. When a member of their community is ill, they patiently wait for them to heal. When one is falling behind, they all slow down so their lagging member can catch up. And when a mother elephant loses her baby, they stand in a circle around her and allow her all the time she needs to grieve and mourn. They don't hurry her along, or push her to abandon the body. They stand in a circle and gently touch her with their trunks, a silent show of unwavering support.

Elephant mothers will stand with their babies for weeks, not eating or drinking, just holding them close and letting the reality that they are gone slowly settle in. And they are allowed that time by their family members.

(from Only Time Will Tell)

Its so hard, but I only hope that when it is my turn, I can be surrounded by as much love.