state of mind

There was a blog post the other day by the bloggess, a really good one - touching and achingly real - about depression. It got me thinking about some of my family who struggle with it, friends who have and had, and of myself, and my struggles with it and with self-harm. Reading that post made me thankful that those times are behind me. I no longer need the physical pain to numb the ache I had in my heart, and to overshadow the sadness I didn't know how to control.

It made me thankful too, that separate from the self-harm, my struggles with depression seem to be mostly behind me.

But that doesn't mean that all emotional struggles are things of the past. Instead, that post made me stop and think about where I am emotionally and mentally right now, and realize some truths that need to be addressed. While I am happy for the most part, while I find great joy in my daughter, while I love my husband... I have been struggling in our marriage. And I had a realization lately, that it might be mostly me.

I confessed to Travis that I couldn't believe, after 11 years, we were still having so much trouble communicating. I couldn't believe how I could not read him. How I had so much trouble with interpreting his reactions and determining when he was really upset. I was met with confusion. He thinks all is well.

Further discussion led me to realize: 1) I actually do know better then I thought when he is upset about something, but I was apparently, accidentally presenting myself as thinking he was upset with me. Hence when I would inquire about his anger or frustration, he would think I was asking about anger or frustration with me and argue that all was fine. That was leaving me angry, confused, and frustrated. 2) I think I may have been projecting. Lumping all feelings from previous disagreements on top of the current. It is not healthy, and was leading to a negative and disparaging mindset.

Not to say that it is all me, or all that, but that those things are making things worse and are making my mindset worse. I have to change how I think about things.

So I'm taking a few small steps. Not all of them I'm going to share. But here are the ones I do feel comfortable putting out there. 1) Work on my phrasing and delivery. If Trav seems frustrated, ask if there is anything that I can help him with, or if there is anything he wants to talk about. If the answer is no, drop it and let him be. 2) Focus more on the positive. He does a lot for me, for Gwen, around the house. I need to spend more energy appreciating that. 3) Keep working on feeling like I'm nurturing myself, so that I can nurture our relationship. I don't know how I can be a good us, if I don't feel like a good me. 4) More sex.

This isn't going to be a magic fix. It isn't going to be perfect tomorrow. But I'm going to work on it, and reassess in a few months. Hopefully things will be looking up.