How do you find balance in your life? I ask because right now, I'm not. I don't feel balanced at all. I feel unsettled, upheaved. There are days when it may seem like I have some balance going on, but then something small happens (or something big), and I watch the plates crash down around me and realize that it was just a freeze-frame before everything fell.
Oh damn that all sounds so dramatic!
I don't mean it in any horrible way. Trav and I aren't divorcing. I'm not losing my job. Despite some recent hiccups, for the most part my family has their health. I have family and friends who love me. I have the most beautiful, loving daughter.
But for some reason, I just don't feel settled at the moment. I don't have a groove.
Last night we had a bad sleep night after a few good ones previous, and I lost my cool, yelled at Gwen, then couldn't fall asleep for a while, even after she was contently tucked in next to me... soothed, fine, happy, asleep. I forgot my appointment this morning for my annual, and while it is frustrating and annoying (couldn't reschedule for something like three more weeks), it wasn't the end of the world. But I couldn't stop myself from breaking down into hot, angry tears when I hung up the phone. Right in the middle of the damn train station.
::crash, crash, crash:: See the plates shattering?
I don't feel like I'm able to give 100% at work lately... I'm missing things I wouldn't normally miss, forgetting things, slower to get things done. I don't feel like I'm giving my best to my marriage because when I'm tired, frustrated, etc Trav is the one that bears the brunt of it. Not to mention, when all you do is work then home then work then home then ... well, the conversations can become less then riveting (I guess you all know that, if you've been here lately!). The only plate that I seem to be able to keep in the air consistently is my mama plate... but even that was teetering last night, showing some cracks.
Some plates... well, then never even seem to get back in the air anymore. I take pictures, but I'm not breaking out the camera randomly so much anymore. And the ones I do take, are okay, but not great. I cook the occasional good dinner, but most of the time I feel like I'm frantically trying to figure out something I can quickly cobble together. Gwen always gets a combination of good things, but its all so haphazard. Forget daily exercise, our occasional weekend walks about about all I manage at the moment.
I need to find balance. I need time with just Trav... and more then just the hour or two in the evening. I need to exercise my body, my mind, my soul. I need to be creative, with food and photography. But right now I'm in a tired rut, and its all I can do to sweep up the pieces and start spinning those plates again.
How do you do it? How do you find balance?
I think it's something we all struggle with. I'm in the same boat with work expecting 60-80 hours a week and sucking the life out of me, classes/readings/papers for my graduate program, board meetings, events, etc. It's hard to find time for the important things - like going to see your friends in Philly! :)
ReplyDeleteI know you've often thought about changing jobs (which is my plan). Is there a career path/job that would allow for better balance? That you could bring Gwen or do with her? Work from home at least a day or two a week? Maybe it's outdoors or active so it helps to meet those needs?
Easier said than done since there's no time and job hurting requires time, but it might make things easier in the long run.
I'm considering some really cool things for this fall that I hope will bring me more balance - moving out of the city for one, but different options of how I see my days going.
I feel you. Ever since Ev was born, hell with the prego complications before she came along, I have struggled to find balance. As a mom you put 110% into your new roll and everything else tends to play second fiddle especially when you are sleep deprived. That only makes everything 10x worse and being a nursing mommy adds even more stress because when the child wants comfort daddy doesn't usually cut it. Its taken me 3 years, it gets easier especially when she weens. I am now just starting to take the time for myself and try to get myself back. I pretty much have to start from scratch with my business because I was unable to handle mommy, wife, homemaker, and business owner. So many things have gotten messed up, put on the back burner these past 3 years but I can say it's getting better I am just trying to take it day by day. Set some small goals and just do them one at a time. And don't feel bad about yelling at Gwen, I did the same thing to Omi we all go through it and your not alone.
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