Okay, I'm just going to lay it all out there. For the longest time I purposely avoided talking about Gwen's sleep problems. Why is it that every other part of my life and parenting, I'll discuss unabashedly, giving my reasons for why we do what we do, and asking advice. But with sleep... I feel like I have to hide what isn't going well, and when I do talk about it I feel like I have to give excuses.
But today I am not going to give excuses... today I am just going to say it how it is.
My name is Meegs, and I am the mother of a crappy sleeper.
Honestly, at the beginning, despite some rough nights... she slept pretty dang well. Then there were a few month of wonderful sleep! But for the past few months it hasn't been great. A lot of the time, it hasn't even been good (case in point, NYE night and the nights that followed with hourly wakings!). And I feel loath to share that because I'm afraid of being judged, I guess. Its one of the few things for me that, when discussed, always comes packaged with an excuse. IRL as here.
Cold, teething, growth spurt, too hot, fussy from shots, etc. I'm sure every one of those have been true at least a few times. But even then, that leaves a lot of nights uncovered. Its time that I just admit it to myself and others, my daughter just doesn't want to sleep through the night right now.
While I'm getting sleep things off my chest, I'll let you know that I still nurse her to sleep almost every night. That I nurse her most times that she wakes. And that she's still coming into bed with us at 5ish in the a.m. to sleep with us until our wake up at 6 (sometimes she'll keep sleeping until 6:15 - 6:20).
The thing is, I don't mind any of those things. I love the extra snuggles and I know this won't last forever. And that's what I keep telling myself about all of this crappy sleep stuff... while its hard being tired sometimes, there will be a time that I look back and miss getting to hold my babe in my arms, rocking her, feeding her. While I won't miss it at 2am, I will miss it in general. And this won't last forever... I don't know one teenager who doesn't know how to sleep. ;-)
Come 14 -18 months, if she's still not sleeping well... then I'll probably night wean. But while I will ask for advice, and I will complain and ask for commiseration, I think I'm actually okay with my little crappy sleeper. And I'm not going to hide it anymore!
So come clean... anyone else have/had a troubled sleeper? How did/do you cope? Advice?
Alternately, anyone have something else that they are extra sensitive about?
*Updated to add: Until a year, breastmilk (or formula) is still the primary source of nutrition. I know she doesn't NEED to eat at night, but if she feels she needs to, I'm going to oblige her for the time being.
When I do decide to night wean, there are a ton of methods, and I still don't plan on using CIO. Its just not for us.
This post was more about letting go of my own feelings of needing to "explain away" her sleep then about actually thinking that I'm doing anything wrong. That's the whole point, I don't think I am doing anything wrong and I'm putting this out there so I can stop feeling like I have to justify the way she sleeps. Many children don't sleep through the night, weaned or not, until they are two years or older. And I know many people who've done CIO, only to have to re-do it after sickness, travel, teething, etc. Why put us both through that?
Oh I am completely in that club - but I think my frequent complaining has made that abundently clear? I'm not exhausted right now because of my newborn...the exhaustion is from my 14 month old! But it won't always be like this and the handful of times she STTN I missed her.
ReplyDeleteto be Honest, she's probably crying and waking up and night because she knows you'll come in and see her and snuggle with her and nurse her. You know you already knew that in the back of your head. she's almost a year, there is no physical reason for her to NEED to eat at night other then she likes it. you are her pacifier. she's not a newborn who needs to nurse on demand, she eats real food now. so you can either keep on doing what you're doing or make a big change. that would be night weaning now, which will probably involve her having to cry it out. it will be one of the hardest things ever, and it will suck A LOT. and it will make you feel like a horrible mother. but if the end goal is sleeping through the night, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. sorry for the tough love! good luck!
ReplyDelete"so you can either keep on doing what you're doing or make a big change."
ReplyDeleteYup, and as I mentioned, I plan to keep doing what I'm doing. :-) At least until 14 - 18 months.
Until a year, breastmilk (or formula) is still the primary source of nutrition. I know she doesn't NEED to eat at night, but if she feels she needs to, I'm going to oblige her for the time being.
When I do decide to night wean, there are a ton of methods, and I still don't plan on using CIO. Its just not for us.
This post was more about letting go of my own feelings of needing to "explain away" her sleep then about actually thinking that I'm doing anything wrong. That's the whole point, I don't think I am doing anything wrong and I'm putting this out there so I can stop feeling like I have to justify the way she sleeps. Many children don't sleep through the night, weaned or not, until they are two years or older. And I know many people who've done CIO, only to have to re-do it after sickness, travel, teething, etc. Why put us both through that?
Thanks for the comments and good luck wishes though!!
This post was like reading my own exact thoughts. Ella also, was an AMAZING sleeper as a newborn, for the first couple months it was still great and she would STTN. Now, we're up at least twice a night! But as you said, i too love my time with her. She is the most precious gift and I'll miss it someday. I nurse her back to sleep every time.
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of 3 children, a 14yr old, a 12 yr old and an almost 2 yr old..I can say that I've never done CIO and my older children sleep through the night just fine. Well actually they still wake up, but can fall back asleep on their own. I don't even know many adults who can "sleep through the night." I have always felt that parenting doesn't end when it's night time or when I may be exhausted. I still nurse my 22month old at night, it's now usually once a night though. I will probably continue to do so until he's weaned. Like you said you know that this is only for a short time. Enjoy those cuddles, whether it's during the day or at night. :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs from another Momma of a challenged sleeper! And, while I know it may not hold true for you guys, as every baby is different.. things have gotten so much better since Bug turned one (and mastered walking)! I know you know there are lot of reasons for night waking, even if it's just missing mom! Keep responding to her needs, because she needs you! And, yes, I still nurse my 14 mo. old as much as he needs/wants including at night! He won't nurse forever, and I think like with all things baby, time will tell when they are ready to sleep/wean etc.
ReplyDeleteOur baby goes through stages. Some he will barely sleep at all and others he sleeps amazing.
ReplyDeleteAt 7 months old I still have no problem bringing him in from his bed in his room to ours to breastfeed if he needs that or the snuggles. Like you I don't see us using cry it out anytime soon, if ever. It is not for us.
I have been told to stop feeding him at night but I understand all babies are different. Mine does need to eat at night still. He is tiny for his age and I know his cries, and that is his hungry cry. And honestly even if he is just crying for the need of attention I'm fine with that. As a child who was scared of the dark tell 8 I understand that he may wake up needing attention. After a nightmare, waking up cold or feeling alone and scared I feel that it is a need still. It is my job to take care of him no matter what time of day it is. After all a baby or even toddler is still much newer to our world then we can even grasp. They are not adults with an adults body, stomach, mind, or imagination. How about if he was teething and in pain? How is it fair to let him cry alone at that point. It is just not for us I guess...
plus I figure if he goes through stages there is a reason. I he was just "spoiled" he would not sleep alone at all. If he sleeps great one week and not the next there is a reason...
GREAT BLOG!
Wow, I have so much to say on this subject - sorry if my comment is riddled with errors - I'm rocking and nursing my son to sleep as I type this!
ReplyDeleteI have what some might call a 'bad' sleeper. But so do 99% of other parents. So my question is, if 99% of us have bad sleepers, isn't it logical to think that maybe, just maybe, they aren't ready to sleep all night? I don't understand the modern obsession with infant sleep. Maybe it's because we're so busy we need the sleep ourselves, or maybe it's because parents want their babies to fit into their schedule and not be inconvenienced (by the most important thing in our lives. . .) Regardless the reason, I think it's terrible.
I would be very upset if my husband told me that from 10 - 6, I better stay in bed and sleep without making a peep. I usually can't sleep all night, so why should I expect my baby to? I also can't fall asleep just because it's bedtime. Some nights I go to sleep at 10, others I can't fall asleep until 2am. Aren't most people, including babies, the same way? It infuriates me that people say we must 'train' them as if they are animals. I think we should lovingly teach our children what they need to know, and if it takes a while, fine.
Unfortunately, we live in a time when people want instant gratification. We can fast forward through commercials, put ourselves in debt to get things NOW, go to a drive-through for instant food, etc. We have no patience or perseverance anymore. If I forced my baby to 'cry it out', even in one of the controlled methods, I'm still already starting a pattern of teaching him to take shortcuts in life. That's a lesson that I don't want to pass to my son. What we do now determines how the rest of our parenting will go in the future. I will always help my child through difficult times and won't tell him to just go figure it out himself.
Also, there are some studies out there that claim that if a person were put into a cave, or somewhere they couldn't tell time, eventually their sleep patterns will 'regress' into something more similar to a baby's seep patterns. They will sleep more often for shorter periods. Having 1 long period of sleep at night seems to be yet another convenience we take. I'm obviously not saying the whole world needs to stop sleeping only at night - that would be silly. But I do think it's interesting that in a natural state without the influences of modern society, we would probably sleep much more often, in which case a baby's sleep problems wouldn't be problems at all.
I'm also of the belief that if my child can't sleep - there is a reason. Like you, it seems like I'm always using excuses to explain away his troubled nights. I don't think they are just excuses though. They are legitimate reasons! I recommend the book "The Wonder Weeks"- it really tells a lot about why babies get fussy and have trouble sleeping at various points in time. It made me realize that although everything might be physically fine with my baby, there are major mental developments happening for him. I think of it this way: If I have a difficult problem I'm working on, I can't just go to sleep. I stay up until I solve the problem or I'm just so tired I have to sleep. It's the same thing with our babies.
Anyway, enough of my ranting! I get very upset when people try to say that my baby should be sleeping through the night, or that there's something wrong with rocking or nursing him to sleep. If I'm happy with the situation and it works for me, why change it? He'll learn eventually. I don't understand the huge rush to force our children to grow up and become independent so fast.
Meegs, please keep doing what you're doing! You're a great mommy, and there's nothing wrong with what you are doing in regards to your baby's sleep!
Wow, I have so much to say on this subject - sorry if my comment is riddled with errors - I'm rocking and nursing my son to sleep as I type this!
ReplyDeleteI have what some might call a 'bad' sleeper. But so do 99% of other parents. So my question is, if 99% of us have bad sleepers, isn't it logical to think that maybe, just maybe, they aren't ready to sleep all night? I don't understand the modern obsession with infant sleep. Maybe it's because we're so busy we need the sleep ourselves, or maybe it's because parents want their babies to fit into their schedule and not be inconvenienced (by the most important thing in our lives. . .) Regardless the reason, I think it's terrible.
I would be very upset if my husband told me that from 10 - 6, I better stay in bed and sleep without making a peep. I usually can't sleep all night, so why should I expect my baby to? I also can't fall asleep just because it's bedtime. Some nights I go to sleep at 10, others I can't fall asleep until 2am. Aren't most people, including babies, the same way? It infuriates me that people say we must 'train' them as if they are animals. I think we should lovingly teach our children what they need to know, and if it takes a while, fine.
Unfortunately, we live in a time when people want instant gratification. We can fast forward through commercials, put ourselves in debt to get things NOW, go to a drive-through for instant food, etc. We have no patience or perseverance anymore. If I forced my baby to 'cry it out', even in one of the controlled methods, I'm still already starting a pattern of teaching him to take shortcuts in life. That's a lesson that I don't want to pass to my son. What we do now determines how the rest of our parenting will go in the future. I will always help my child through difficult times and won't tell him to just go figure it out himself.
(you get 2 posts from me since I type too much!)
(cont)
ReplyDeleteAlso, there are some studies out there that claim that if a person were put into a cave, or somewhere they couldn't tell time, eventually their sleep patterns will 'regress' into something more similar to a baby's seep patterns. They will sleep more often for shorter periods. Having 1 long period of sleep at night seems to be yet another convenience we take. I'm obviously not saying the whole world needs to stop sleeping only at night - that would be silly. But I do think it's interesting that in a natural state without the influences of modern society, we would probably sleep much more often, in which case a baby's sleep problems wouldn't be problems at all.
I'm also of the belief that if my child can't sleep - there is a reason. Like you, it seems like I'm always using excuses to explain away his troubled nights. I don't think they are just excuses though. They are legitimate reasons! I recommend the book "The Wonder Weeks"- it really tells a lot about why babies get fussy and have trouble sleeping at various points in time. It made me realize that although everything might be physically fine with my baby, there are major mental developments happening for him. I think of it this way: If I have a difficult problem I'm working on, I can't just go to sleep. I stay up until I solve the problem or I'm just so tired I have to sleep. It's the same thing with our babies.
Anyway, enough of my ranting! I get very upset when people try to say that my baby should be sleeping through the night, or that there's something wrong with rocking or nursing him to sleep. If I'm happy with the situation and it works for me, why change it? He'll learn eventually. I don't understand the huge rush to force our children to grow up and become independent so fast.
Meegs, please keep doing what you're doing! You're a great mommy, and there's nothing wrong with what you are doing in regards to your baby's sleep!
I think it's great that you just put it out there. It takes away the power the situation has over you. She is a crappy sleeper, you are okay with how you do things and will make a change when you are ready. Sounds good to me! I do hope she settles into better sleep soon though, being tired all the time is no fun.
ReplyDelete