one month

Dear Gwen,

Today you are one month old... I can't believe it! In some ways this month has flown by, but at the same time, I can't remember life without you.

Every day you are getting bigger and more alert. You have actual awake times now... times where I can talk to you and read to you, and you just stare at me in the wide eyed amazement. Those beautiful blue-gray eyes just seem to take it all in, and I'm enjoying every extra moment that I get to stare into them.

I love you so much, Gwenie, and just want you to be happy... which makes the crying jags of late rather trying. I'm thinking there's a growth spurt going on because you just want to eat, all.the.time. Breastfeeding is hard sometimes because I get sore, and its hard for me to get anything done when we're constantly attached. But its also wonderful because its special time for you and me, just the two of us. And when you curl your little hand up against my chest... well, it melts my heart into a million pieces.

Just the other day you started having some trouble with sleep. I'm hoping this is a passing phase, the deciding you want to be wide awake at 10 o'clock at night thing, because 10 pm is bedtime for your daddy and i. I've started trying to make a routine for you. Starting around 7:20 we head upstairs and do some tummy time, then a nice warm bath, snuggly PJs, and then I turn the lights down and your sound machine on, and feed you to sleep. I'm hoping you get used to this, and that I can just feed you once more before bed... and not have to walk and bounce you for hours until you'll conk out.

You're still sleeping with us at night... you love to be close, and it makes life a bit easier for me, since I don't have to jump out of bed when you fuss to be fed. I know that I'll miss having you right there when we start to move you to the nursery, so I'm trying to enjoy every little sleepy breath of yours now. Even if I have to remind myself of that at three in the morning!

I was thinking about your "big sister" Daisy the other day, and remembering when we first got her and how tiny she was. I recalled a specific incident, when your daddy used his magic bullet, and the noise scared Daisy... and she came over to me, as I was sitting on the kitchen floor, and sat in my lap. She needed to be close and felt safe when she was with me. Now, in the blink of an eye, she's as big as I am and not my little puppy anymore. Its a good lesson for me... especially when I remember how frustrating she was the first few weeks we had her, and how I cried over her sometimes... and now what I wouldn't give to have that tiny puppy back, just for a few hours, to scoop her up into my lap.

I know the same is going to happen with you. Before I know it, you're not going to be my tiny baby anymore... so even the frustrating bits, I'm trying to enjoy them.

But the frustrating bits just pale next to the lovely parts. Watching you sleep snuggled up on your daddy, seeing your funny faces, and the lovely way you smell after a bath. I love the contented sighs I get when you are happy with a full tummy, and how you try to burrow in deeper when you are sleeping on me. These are the parts I try to tuck away for the hard moments, and burn into my memory... so that a year from now, when you are running around and babbling up a storm, I can recall the feel of your soft cheek against my chest, and your hand gripping the edge of my shirt. I really hope I don't lose these, though I know, like everything else, they will fade with time.

Luckily, there are so many things I'm looking forward to doing with you. So many things to teach you and experience anew with you. And so many more memories that we will make.

I'm so glad you are in my life Gwenivere. You've already made it infinitely more rich. Even my relationship with your daddy is better because of you. Seeing him love you, makes me love him even more. That's how powerful you are already. I can't wait to see all that you become, and all the you accomplish.

I love you to the moon and back,
Mommy