what makes a mother

Today was my original due date.
It is also just over six months since we found out we lost our little one.

A girl I know from online was due just after me... and she has her baby.
I stare at this beautiful baby girl and think to myself what a miracle it is -- how a human is made from two cells in nine months. So many things have to go right. So many things can go wrong. Biology is amazing. And for some reason, biology pulled through for them but not for us. True fact -- it is what it is.

Its weird with this pregnancy now... when people ask if its our first. Our first real live outside-the-womb baby? Yes, it will be. Our first pregnancy with a baby that we fell in love with already? No. But of course, we don't say that... though it feels like a betrayal to not mention the baby that was, that might have been.

We wouldn't have our little Gummy Baby without our angel baby. And that is the sweetest gift we could ever receive, at the most painful price we could have ever imagined. If that baby had never been, then chances are the timing wouldn't have worked for this baby to be. And if that baby had not left us, then I wouldn't have this one swimming inside me right now. Its hard to grasp.

I couldn't be more grateful for our little Gummy Baby... but that doesn't mean I don't mourn for the one that might have been on this day. This most unfulfilled of days.

"What Makes a Mother"

By Jennifer Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied, With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!