supposed to be

Today was supposed to be the day that I told you about my pregnancy.
Instead, its become the day that I tell you about the loss of my baby.

I'm blogging about this because I can't imagine keeping it inside. Plus, I'm sure I'll be blogging less in the upcoming days, and that the things I do post will be more emotional then normal. It would be impossible to gloss over. Trav and I are feeling a million different things at the moment and none of them are good. We are sad, shocked, mad... we wonder what the future is going to look like now. It had seemed so clear before, its become a mystery again.

Yesterday was our first ultrasound (I just published all the blogs I had saved about this pregnancy, if you want to read about before that, you can find them under ttc, baby, or super secret 1st tri entry). It was supposed to be an amazing day. I was supposed to be 12 weeks and 4 days pregnant. There are so many things that were supposed to be. Instead we looked at the monitor and saw a too small baby with no heartbeat. We'd lost the sweet babe about a month ago. It feels weird that I didn't know. How could I not know?

We know that chances are we will go on to have a very successful pregnancy, that we will get our baby... just a bit later then we had originally thought. But it won't be this pregnancy, it won't be this baby. Our first baby. And we are mourning for that.

I am greatful for one thing... and that is the unending love of my family, friends, and most importantly Travis. He is right there beside me, feeling what I'm feeling, being broken with me... and I can't imagine having to do this without him. I am truly blessed to have him as a husband.

The first step is taking care of the physical aspect of things. I'm waiting for a phone call to let me know if I can get into the surgery center next week for a D&E. My body, like the rest of me wants to be, is in denial that this pregnancy is over. So it will need outside intervention.

After that it will be about healing... mentally, physically, emotionally. And then trying again. Starting back at square one. This will take a long time. Healing feels so far away. One day this will all be a memory, but I can't imagine that at the moment. Right now, all we can feel is heartbroken.