one of those posts.

I feel a bit ridiculous sometimes. I was on the phone with my mom the other day and we were talking about lots of things, but one of them was babies and when Travis would be ready to have them. I had to pause at one point because it felt so funny to be "letting out" (not venting, or complaining... but just needing to unleash) to my mom about this decision that is, by its very nature, such a personal and adult decision (and I run to my mom, lol, get why I paused?). I don't want to unleash it on Travis, because I really don't want to push him, but I needed to get it out. I guess its true that you never really stop wanting (if not needing) your parents support.

Since the last time I talked ad nauseum about this particular topic, Trav and I have again moved up our date of beginning to try for a baby (from April to sooner then February). This was completely his decision... and my emotions are going crazy. I'm excited for this next step. I'm excited for Travis to be 100% on board and ready (just to make sure you all know that really is the case). But sometimes I feel so much like I can't wait, like the yearn is so strong its this ache in my stomach - a heaviness on my chest. It feels so close (it is close! even February is only a little over 6 months away), but at the same time, its not here, not now.

I'm sure it doesn't help that of my daily-read blogs all but maybe 4 are written by people who either have children (20), are "with child" (4), or are trying to become "with child" at the moment (4 - Hmm, I read a lot of blogs). And there are always lines that pierce me... ones that hit me like an arrow to the heart. You know that, I post one liners here (in the middle of regular posts) all the time. Feel the need to document what moves me.

For example... (Originally from Dooce, in a post on advice) 2. From Maggie Mason: "When I was single, I decided I wouldn't marry a man unless I could be proud if we had a son who turned out exactly like him."
BAM! Shot to the chest... there are so many reasons that I can't wait to have children, and this is just one of the many. I can't wait to see Travis as a father. He is going to be a great father. I can picture him teaching our child how to throw a ball around, how to ski, reading to them... and it just makes me melt inside.

In my heart of hearts, when I'm at my most zen and calm about this, I know that our time will come when it is supposed to come. If you think about it, starting any sooner would simply make it so that we don't get the same baby as if we wait until the "right time". Before I know it, our time will be here... and hopefully, with any luck, our trying to conceive period will be short and easy. I know all this... but I can't be zen all the time, now can I?

::inhale, exhale::

Thanks. I needed that.



ps. I feel a little melodramatic now... but have to get it out somewhere!!