holy book length entry batman... aka baby.sagas

SO! Since I was completely vague and nonsensical yesterday when it came to the baby stuffs, and since my husband is awesome and told me to write about whatever I want here... and since we had a great talk last night to clear up a lot of miscommunications, get ourselves on the same page, appease me... here in no short form:

The Baby Sagas
(Aka: Megan's rollercoaster of ticking bioclock)

Before the wedding, Travis and I had thrown around the idea of starting trying for kids (from now on TTC= trying to concieve) around 2-3 years post-wedding. Two years is this Fall... and I kind of got attached to that idea. Well this past weekend we had a big fight that turned into a big talk where I found out that the reason Trav has been acting off lately (off as in, I could tell something was wrong/off, but anytime I would bring it up or ask about it I would get a "nothing, I'm fine") is because he has been kind of depressed about the fact that we aren't where he would like us to be financially, and he's taking it as "I'm not providing the way I should be for my wife."

I felt horrible for him, but ugh... I feel like we're fine. We always pay our bills on time, have more savings then most people our age, not to mention high % into our retirement funds, and we have a good deal of money in stocks... plus we are actively paying down all of our debt, of which all but my car loan and our home equity line is considered good debt (mortgage, student loans). We don't carry a balance on any of our credit cards. I get that we're not rolling in it, and that we don't have a lot of extra at the end of the month... but crap, I thought we were doing pretty good!

Blah. Anyway, that was a tangential vent that got me to the TTC part... he followed up on his depressed over finances by saying that, "Clearly we aren't financially ready to TTC now, nor do I think we will be in two year... who knows when we will be." That was a huge blow to me, and I was really upset on Sunday/Monday night. The combination of the fact that he had basically put off TTC indefinitely, that he also couldn't tell me what would make him feel we were financially ready, and that he got very defensive/dimissive when I tried to talk to him about it... it was all too much.

Well, yesterday he read my blog, saw what I wrote and got upset by how the fact that he's not ready to TTC is depressing me. He seemed to think that I was saying I would be depressed ceaselessly from now until the day we decided to TTC. Not it at all.

I told him that I didn't know how to explain why I was so sad... except that we apparently were not at all on the same page, and that all I seem to get when I try to talk about it is, "I'm not ready so lets not even talk about it."

Luckily we ended up having a really nice discussion about it last night... he said that he definitely wants to start before he turns 30 (so at most 2ish years away), that he realizes we are never going to be rich (and a long time until we are completely debt-free) and maybe he has to adjust his ideas of what financial security is, and he finally seemed to understand that me respecting his right to not be emotionally ready at this moment to TTC also means that he has to respect my right to be temporarily sad about that fact.

So despite the fact that TTC is most likely farther off at this point then I had originally hoped, I'm happy that we are finally on the same page about it. I'm hoping that he will be ready before his 30th birthday is looming, because honestly, I flatout don't want to wait 2 years! But, at least I have a definite end date in site.

So, that very long drawn out story is where my wanting-a-baby journey is at the moment. ::woo!:: And hopefully getting this out will mean not talking about it for a while because seriously, who wants to be a broken record!

xoxo

this and that

Feeling better, not 100% but much better then last week.
Saw my new Doc on Friday... she thinks it is a sinus infection, although she did a throat culture to rule out strep. She was great, relaxed, unrushed, friendly. She gave me a script for an antibiotic, but told me to wait a few days and see if I felt better. If I got worse I would take it, if not it meant that my body was fighting it and I didn't need the antibiotic. I really like her.
Last night she called me herself to say that my culture was negative for strep and to see how I was feeling. Check that, I love her!

In anycase, this weekend involved a lot of sleeping in and being lazy. We did go out both days, but it was easy, relaxing stuff. Saturday I did an alumni interview with a kid from Bala Cynwyd who is considering Lehigh. We met over in Bryn Mawr, not far from Willy's, so I dropped Travis there first. It was about 30 minutes of chatting and the kid was nice... I would do one again if they asked me. When we got home we put together everything for a big pot of beef stew, then tried some packaged pulled pork for dinner (not bad).

Sunday we threw the beef stew on in the morning (crockpot) to cook all day. And we finally decided to use our passes to see the movies... we hit up National Treasure. Not bad. It's not going to win any awards or anything, but it was fast paced and entertaining. We enjoyed it. Otherwise it was a lazy day with big portions of stew for dinner.

Jan is still in FL... which means daddy is no better, but he's still here.

There is more I want to write about, but it is one of those gray areas of sharing. Will it be too much information? Would Trav not want me to share? I hate feeling restricted on what I should write, especially with something like this which is weighing heavily on my mind. I've had plenty on my mind lately anyway... some friends that never call, wondering if I should even bother to continue to make the effort for them... money stuffs... and now this new thing, baby stuff. Let's just say that it looks like Trav and I aren't going to be having babies for a long long time, and it makes me sad. Especially since it seems that I don't have anyone in the same position who gets how I feel. I'm frustrated, and not explaining myself well (here or IRL), so Travis doesn't get why I'm frustrated... and everytime I bring it up to try to explain myself he just wonders why we are talking about it again. Grr.

I guess that's all I really can say about that at the moment. In which case, that's all I have to say.

harumph.

Not sure why I keep coming back in to update when I don't have anything new to say. Still sick, still tired, doc appointment tomorrow... so wish me luck. It's a new doctor, so hopefully I don't hate her.

I'm still sad about Heath Ledger... not Steve Irwin sad, but sad nonetheless. Here's a nice rememberance of him as an actor.

Really, that's all. It's a normal week of work, with normal work crap, and normal afterwork laziness. I'll probably stay away until after the weekend... so enjoy!

still blah

Still feeling crappy today... my throat is hurting horribly, its swollen and red... and I slept like poo for the last two nights so I'm exhausted (last night I dreampt I had tonsillitis, awesome!). I actually went home from work early yesterday because I was feeling lightheaded and just horrible overall. Soup, hot chocolate, tea and lots of reading in bed followed. I feel better today, but still not great. And once again with the helpful comments... from the boss: "Wow, you really don't look that great today." Just what I wanted to hear.

That's really all for me today. Sick, just ugh. But there is still work to be done, so off I go to do it!!

Ciao!


PS. Um... Heath Ledger, dead at 28. It's weird, it's sad... he's so young, and is leaving such a young child behind with no father. I'm used to the older actors dying, but its different when its someone your own age.

no news is good news?

No news from Jan yet, which in this case seems good.

My weekend was relaxing... I did manage to clean up my laundry mess (creating a garbage bag of clothes to donate, and a whole dresser of way overfull drawers) which is nice, I like the bare swatch of floor it created in our bedroom. I also hung up my christmas present from trav in our upstairs hall (he says it looks nice). We went grocery shopping Friday night, hung out with Ro & Pat on Saturday night, and were disappointed by the NYG vs. Packers game on Sunday night (stupid Packers were supposed to beat the Giants). I got to sleep in yesterday, and have a VERY relaxing day (ANTM reruns anyone?).

This morning I'm not feeling as well though. I had trouble falling asleep last night and now my throat is scratchy and sore. Ugh. Not exactly the start to my day/week that I wanted. I'm drinking some tea now, and I'll be sucking on some throat drops later. Any secret remedies you want to recommend?

Otherwise, all is about the same. And now I have to get to work...

my heart breaks...

for Jan. Things look worse still... my heart breaks for her, I can't imagine how she must feel right now. She's on one of those diets where they send you all your food, so I just fedex'd her another weeks worth of food. It's the second time I've done that, she didn't realize what she was heading to when she first prepared for Florida. Last time I included a "card" for her dad that I made in ms paint, she said it made him laugh, which made me happy. This time I just included a note that said my thoughts and prayers were with them both... and that that I was sending her dad healing juju. Three-day weekend ahead, which I'm much looking forward too, but I think I'll spend much of it waiting.

Being more upbeat... I'll probably also spend a good deal of the weekend cleaning. No wait? Is that actually more upbeat? Well, anyway, my unfortunate laundry problem (an example here) has gotten a bit out of hand, so that will have to be remedied this weekend. I've realized that my laundry system doesn't really work if I can't find the clothes I want to wear on any given day. Bah. Hopefully we will also be hanging out with Ro & Pat whom we didn't get to hang out with last weekend. And maybe I can hang up the awesome present Trav got me for Christmas (this).

Anything else? Not so much... just time to get back to work.

...

Sometimes I don't know what is wrong with me. I read a story about someone finding their home, their family, and I feel lost. I am so happy in general, with Travis, but yet I am completely restless ... with myself and life. I think about all the things I long to change about myself, in myself - be it something as stupid and selfish as my limp tangled locks, my incompetence with language, this very feeling.

It all seems inconsequential too when I think about what others are going through right this very minute. Jan's dad is in the hospital in Florida at this moment, probably dying. She's praying for her father's life while I'm wishing I were eating dumplings from a street stand in Beijing. Gah, what the hell is wrong with me.

workstylin.

Miyano's back, Miyano's back!! I'm so damn excited she is here again. Work was a royal pain in the ass with two of my favorite coworkers gone... especially since I had to do their work! It makes Monday a little easier, knowing she's back again. She was also a sweetie and brought me a few fun items from Japan, including two new "dangles" for my phone (a rody one and one that's just charms with Love spelled out... lol) and a "shaver" for my clothes (you know, to get rid of the pills)! I'm really excited by them. The rody is already on my phone, the love is in a safe place, and the shaver just needs some batteries and tonight my favorite pair of soft gray pants are getting shaved! :-)

As for the weekend... it was good. Relaxing. We didn't have any set plans, which is very nice. February/March weekends are starting to look busy, so I'll enjoy these weekends of nothing. Trav and I ended up taking a walk on Saturday, to the Best Buy (used his Christmas gift card and got the Wii Play, yay!), then to the pet store to ohh over puppies, then back home again. About 6.5 miles altogether. Sunday Ro and I did our walk too... another 5 miles, so I logged a not-to-shabby 11.5 miles this weekend. All in all, very enjoyable.

Well, back to work for me... despite Miyano's return, I have so much work to do!! Ciao!



ps. Does it make me a bad person to admit that not only was I happy that the Cowboys lost, but that seeing TO cry made me VERY happy?!

busy busy busy

I'm just sitting here, eating a Clementine (yummy!) courtesy of this guy:


My hilarious coworker, Eitan. I'm waiting for the lunch part of an event to be done... and thought I might as well pop in here and say Hi!

So! First, some really nice news... I got a raise!!
My boss called me from home yesterday to let me know that he and the big bossman had discussed salaries. They talked about the fact that I'm doing more and more as time goes on, "showing great versatility" which they wanted to recognize. So... they are giving me a really nice raise! More then I even hoped for really. Enough that they've hit the mark I would have considered my "I'd definitely take a different job if they paid me that." So, one more pro for staying put. :-)
Trav and I are using a restaurant gift certificate we got for Christmas to go out to dinner tonight and celebrate.

It was really nice timing too considering today two of my coworkers are out today, leaving me to handle an event on my own... but it is going smoothly, so I'm okay with it.

Let's see, what else. Well, to answer Bill's questions... yes, my new tattoo is a Phoenix. As for colors... I plan on doing a really bright yellow/orange like in this picture, but with a green scruff and bluish-purple tipped wings like in this one.

Not too much else to talk about at the moment... the week has gone a bit slowly, first full one back always does! Not to mention the absense of those two coworkers. But the weekend is almost here, and it looks like a nice lazy one too. I'm in a really good mood today... looking forward to dinner, enjoying the nice weather, and feeling really happy for a good friend of mine that just got engaged! Congrates Hannah!!!!!!!!

And, if you aren't all pictured out... I thought I would share a few more pictures from Christmas (which I forgot I took)...



Travis and the puppy. Love these pictures... the second is my new wallpaper.

Well, event is over... time for me to go chow. Ciao!

new ink

I'm in love.

(Trav took the above picture at a funny angle which makes all my tats look a little wonky and off-center/crooked. FYI: None of them are!)

What do you think?! :-) Lol, maybe I don't want to know. But I really do love it... and can't wait to see complete and in color. I'm so proud.

In other weekend news... we got to meet Aidan Michael this weekend. It is the son of Trav's cousin, who was born on Christmas. He was a full month early, and is the tiniest peanut. Only around 5lbs now.



What a cutie!

Well that's my weekend in a nutshell!

mish-mash... with pictures!

So, in no particular order and with no thread to bind them together:

Happy New Year!!! We had a great one... I attended a party at a friend of my family's, which was a lot of fun. Hadn't been there in about 8 years, so lots of catching up. Good company, lots of champagne, and fireworks (it wasn't as bad a combo as it sounds, I swear)! And lots of Rock Band, which was very fun. Here are some pictures...

My very hairy little brother and I.

Trav and I.

Trav and I, one that doesn't make me look like a floating head.

So, in anycase... welcome to 2008, y'all!! :-)

Other random bits:
I dreampt about my ex-boyfriend last night. Travis and I were at my parents and he drove up to say hi and drop off a movie he borrowed... apparently 8.5 years ago. Even in dream form, it was awkward!

I don't know if I ever recommended this book before, but I just did for a friend and realized I should here too: The Patron Saint of Liars By Ann Patchett. Very good book about an topic that, you know, decent people don't talk about. ;-) At least at the time its set in... nowadays, what don't people talk about? If you want a preview, check out http://books.google.com/ which is something else neat that I wanted to recommend, because I just found it.

I have an appointment tomorrow at the tattoo shop. Pictures to come this weekend or next week. Yippee!!

A few sad news items if you read any of the blogs in my sidebar... Multiple Baby Pileup lost little Jack on the second, Bill from Poop & Boogies lost his father then also. I wish them both better moments in the coming year.

And lastly, what do you think of the poll results from Iowa?
I'm pleasantly surprised by how well Obama did... but not happy at all with Huckabee's win. He opposes abortion rights, stem-cell research, and same-sex marriages... which, in my book, are just a few of his cons. As far as republicans go, I'm liking McCain... who got third (or fourth?) in Iowa, and is predicted to lead in N.H.
I'm still not 100% about who I'm going to vote for. I'm back a forth on a few people, but I think my "front runners" are Obama, Clinton, and McCain. I really feel that with Clinton you are getting a "dynamic duo", and it would be amazing to see a strong woman running the show. But she definitely has her downsides too. In anycase, its far from over. Lets see what happens in N.H. next!

Update 5 minutes later: I also forgot Paul, who may be even less scary (as far as Repubs go) then McCain. He's in my sights as well... but I have the feeling he has less of a chance.

Well, back to work for me. Now that the holidays are over, we're really back into the swing of things, and I have so much work to get done. Especially with Miyano out until the 14th! Back soon... and have a great weekend!