I keep talking about how excited I am to leave. About how good it will be to get out. I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life... But sometimes it just seems like its all moving too fast.
There are so many things I don't want to leave behind.
My roommates, simplicity, my freedom to not get up in the morning, and being able to walk to most of my friends houses.
There are things I'm going to miss so badly.
I have this reopened wound now. The past year and a half I've been able to forget it... but now, as always before, just when I feel like the soreness is gone, it comes back. With a vengence.
"Welcome Brothers old and young, welcome every loyal son..."
Sometimes words are not enough, and peoples sorry's aren't enough, and the fact that "i'm as much a 'chosen few' as anyone else" is not fucking enough....
Sometimes words where actions should have been are just not enough.
And when it comes at a time like this, with every other feeling piling on, it just hurts extra badly. I will miss Lehigh despite everything. And I will miss that one part especially. I've spent a good part of my four years there!
I'm ready to move forward. But maybe my heart is still hanging on.
4.27.2004
4.19.2004
Pirate
It's beautiful out, with the sky so blue, and the sun finally offering some true warmth. It's great... I've been needing this little lift. It's so hard to be happy and energetic when it is dismal and cold. And believe me, with only two weeks left, I need to at least be energetic!
From the archives:
My tears flow like red wine,
(so expensive) they cost me so much,
I bought them with anger and a fight,
only to be cryed away again,
to leave me so alone,
with blood red stains on my cheeks,
the path of tears (love) gone by,
going on to the next ready drinker,
already half drunk on desire,
ready to be tipped with love,
and i am left with an empty bottle,
so sharp i cut myself and cause the tears to restart,
and the blood on my finger tastes like wine,
(like red wine) the stuff on my cheeks,
more stains on my dress,
no longer the white of purity,
I'm tarnished by the smell of blood,
(oh god is some of that his)
he did come in the broken bottle,
but now the bottles gone,
why is my blood still flowing like tears...
I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.
I look around and see this thing in certain people, and wish the I could talk to myself from the past and give heart:
"While to be different now is painful, and all you want to do is kill this thing inside of you that causes this difference... in the future you will want it, and you will miss it horribly, and it would be an advantage."
I suppose it is too late now though... hence the second feeling. I suppose I've finally resigned myself to that fact.
Off to my dreams, where I'm a pirate with a private beach, a bottle of rum, and my (scantily clad) cutie by my side.
From the archives:
My tears flow like red wine,
(so expensive) they cost me so much,
I bought them with anger and a fight,
only to be cryed away again,
to leave me so alone,
with blood red stains on my cheeks,
the path of tears (love) gone by,
going on to the next ready drinker,
already half drunk on desire,
ready to be tipped with love,
and i am left with an empty bottle,
so sharp i cut myself and cause the tears to restart,
and the blood on my finger tastes like wine,
(like red wine) the stuff on my cheeks,
more stains on my dress,
no longer the white of purity,
I'm tarnished by the smell of blood,
(oh god is some of that his)
he did come in the broken bottle,
but now the bottles gone,
why is my blood still flowing like tears...
I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard the song by Goo Goo Dolls... hmm, well I can't remember the name, but it goes "well i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who I am." I hadn't heard this song in so long and it brought me the most incredible sense of nostgalia, and with it this overwhelming sensation of ... well, i guess the best word would be resignation or the like. Oh, there is definitely a better word for what it was, but my brain is failing me now (maybe even a perverse sort of acceptance).
Anyway, it was just the biggest reminder of my high school years. It was almost painful because, while I am happy being me, and with myself as I am today, I still feel like I lost something along the way. The line "you bleed just to know you're alive" takes on this whole glaring meaning when you spent so much time doing horrible things to yourself just to attempt to repress something that you now desperately wish you could get back.
I look around and see this thing in certain people, and wish the I could talk to myself from the past and give heart:
"While to be different now is painful, and all you want to do is kill this thing inside of you that causes this difference... in the future you will want it, and you will miss it horribly, and it would be an advantage."
I suppose it is too late now though... hence the second feeling. I suppose I've finally resigned myself to that fact.
Off to my dreams, where I'm a pirate with a private beach, a bottle of rum, and my (scantily clad) cutie by my side.
4.14.2004
twice in one month...
... Isn't it a red letter day?!
Well, my first paper of many is complete, and it's such a nice feeling. I need these little accomplishments, be they as pointless as a school paper, to make myself feel adeqate in everyday life.
If only I didn't have to get bogged down in this life.
Work in Progress:
unbenounced to me
i have become afraid
with little echos of loneliness
that run around my head
and little aches of tenderness
that only he can calm
and i'm always left wondering
how it is so long
who am i to say
that life is where i am
with friends that leave me lacking
and promises to damn
for all the world is snacking
on the innocence at hand
and all just finds us twisting
in an attempt to understand
Well, my first paper of many is complete, and it's such a nice feeling. I need these little accomplishments, be they as pointless as a school paper, to make myself feel adeqate in everyday life.
If only I didn't have to get bogged down in this life.
Work in Progress:
unbenounced to me
i have become afraid
with little echos of loneliness
that run around my head
and little aches of tenderness
that only he can calm
and i'm always left wondering
how it is so long
who am i to say
that life is where i am
with friends that leave me lacking
and promises to damn
for all the world is snacking
on the innocence at hand
and all just finds us twisting
in an attempt to understand
4.01.2004
its that time of month... (no, not that time)
Well, it seems that my updating has been downsized to once a month. Too many things to do, too little time to do it in. This past month has been crazy hectic!!! First there was Spring Break, which was so much fun, and just incredible. The sun, the warmth, the fun drunken nights. It was a truly great time. Then I come back to school and it is sheer madness. The amount of work to get done, ugh. I've been living in the library ever since. Which, if you read my info/away messages, you know! I've deteriorated from just being in the library, into something reminicant of tourture, and the library is my chamber. As Lauren put it, "I'm so happy that you relax on the weekends because your away messages made me thing I would find you hanging yourself in the corner of the library one of these nights." It has just been that much fun.
On a lighter note, this month has also found me being pursued by a UPS man (he's cute)... to which I had to nicely tell him that "no, I really do love my boyfriend and want to stay with him (travis him)", and "no, I would not have an affair with him (UPS man him)". It at least made me laugh... especially after I saw him today while on my way to the library, and finally established that travis is the man, and he could only be my friend, and promises of no shaddiness. Ahhh yes.
Unfortunately today also marks the again postponement of my dream of working for the government, as this was the date that I was supposed to hear back from them by, if I was going to be continuing with the process of getting a job. I am sad about this, but I'm not going to let it ruin my day. Right now I'm almost looking forward to graduating and being "unemployed" for a little... (the quotes because there is no way I will be truly unemployed; if need be I will continue with one or two of my three current part-time jobs until I find something permanant.) I mean, obviously I would rather find something and know exactly what I would be doing, and where my money will be coming from... travis and I will be moving in together and I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him (financially or otherwise). But if that is not possible, then I realize that stressing about the situation will resolve it no faster.
Well, anyway... I should really get back to work. So far my day has been pretty productive; however I just realized that my first paper (of many) is due in just two weeks! So, I figure I should get my ass moving on that. Wish me luck and leave me love.
Ciao!!!!!
On a lighter note, this month has also found me being pursued by a UPS man (he's cute)... to which I had to nicely tell him that "no, I really do love my boyfriend and want to stay with him (travis him)", and "no, I would not have an affair with him (UPS man him)". It at least made me laugh... especially after I saw him today while on my way to the library, and finally established that travis is the man, and he could only be my friend, and promises of no shaddiness. Ahhh yes.
Unfortunately today also marks the again postponement of my dream of working for the government, as this was the date that I was supposed to hear back from them by, if I was going to be continuing with the process of getting a job. I am sad about this, but I'm not going to let it ruin my day. Right now I'm almost looking forward to graduating and being "unemployed" for a little... (the quotes because there is no way I will be truly unemployed; if need be I will continue with one or two of my three current part-time jobs until I find something permanant.) I mean, obviously I would rather find something and know exactly what I would be doing, and where my money will be coming from... travis and I will be moving in together and I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on him (financially or otherwise). But if that is not possible, then I realize that stressing about the situation will resolve it no faster.
Well, anyway... I should really get back to work. So far my day has been pretty productive; however I just realized that my first paper (of many) is due in just two weeks! So, I figure I should get my ass moving on that. Wish me luck and leave me love.
Ciao!!!!!
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