ahh the shadiness

Proud resident of 413 Vine St...

the Shadiest house in town!!!

(With at least one resident being recognized as town lush.)

When we're not bringing home 8 guys from the Netherlands, we're having older men over.

(muzzles are now required after 12 at night!)

If you're looking for fun with Shaddy Hannah, quiet Megan, or myself - Stop by!!!

And always remember...

Hollander boys are funny funny!!! :-D

. . . . . . .But my boy is the sweetest! o:-)

and so starts the manic...

Well, classes and finals and all that being said and done, I'm feeling much better. (Of course there are grades to concern myself with...) And so start the manic entries with happy feelings and content, not school related, items.

Fred is healing nicely, and I can't wait to get my picture of him developed to send to my uncles.

Travis got me season 2 of the X-files on DVD for a 'end of the semester'/early christmas present. Then after his performance on saturday night he gave me one of my regular christmas presents - season 7 of the x-files on DVD. Yay! I will be X-filing for days!
Plus Travis is here an extra day, just because... so I am very excited about that.

for me?

So, sometimes I wonder if anyone else is reading this. I mean I really do write it for me, but it would be nice to know that its not just another part of me which goes ignored. Which I feel like most of me does.

So only two days to go and then I am done... I'm excited about this, but I'm scared about it too. Tonight I have to finish my take home exam which I hardly even started. I also am getting together with a friend to study for our final tomorrow. Tomorrow I turn in my take home, study for until my final at 4, then somewhere in there I have to read a whole book and write a book report on it for friday at the latest (ps. did I mention I work all day friday).
The days pass so quickly when you need to make the most of your time. And this semester, I wanted to be the one... I wanted to get my best grades so far and really pull up my GPA.

If I'm successful with all I have to get done in the next 48 hours, then I think I will acheive this personal goal of mine. But if not, then there is no way. But no pressure!!!!

Okay... pleasanter things. I got a new tattoo... I think I will name it Fred. :-) If anyone has not met Fred yet, be sure to stop in a say hello sometime. He resides on my back and he is wonderful.

something to think about

I found this in an email and it really makes you think:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In five years I'll be turning 26.

Career/Academics: Let's see... I'm in my last year at Lehigh, so in five years I'll have been out of college for 4 years. I hope to be established at my job by that point; working for the government in some way. I'm not sure if I'm going to start out with the government right after graduation, but by then that's where I want to be.

Family: Hmm... well, Travis and I will be married by then, for maybe 2 years or so. I don't see kids at that point, because I definitely want to enjoy my marriage for at least four years first. But maybe when I'm 27 or 28? As for both of our parents, I see us staying close to them, even if not geographically. We'll almost definitely be doing yearly vacations with his parents, and holidays with mine. At that point my brother will be in his senior year of HS, and hopefully we will still be as close as we are now. I really want Travis and my home to be a place that he can come to vacation and relax.

Social: My biggest goal will probably be to work at keeping up with all my close friends from college and my best friend since preschool, Heather. As spaced out geographically as my friends are, none are in DC, so if we do end up there... it will be interesting. At that point it will also be only a year away from both my 10 year HS reunion and my 5 year college reunion, both of which I will have to attend, just to see everyone again and catch up.

Financial: Hmm... by then I hope to be well on my way to having my student loans paid off, and Trav and I will probably have both car and house payments to make. I don't see this being a problem though, as we are both very good about saving. Also, neither of us needs a lot to be happy... just enough for food, shelter, and the basics. We have so much fun just going for walks together, etc. Hopefully we'll also be investing and starting a little pot for both our future children's futures, and for our own retirement.

Five years ago I was 16, not really even looking at or thinking about colleges yet, and was feeling like I was going to grow old alone. Lol! Oh how things can change. I really feel like my life just keeps getting better though, and I hope that is the continued trend.

countdown continues

So it is December first... rabbit, rabbit, rabbit to you all. :-)
I'm in a pretty good mood today. The long break did me good. I spent all day Wednesday in the library... literally from 1030 until 615ish. I would love to say that after that my paper is almost done, but it isn't. However I did get a good start on it. Then Thursday Trav and I headed to my place for Thanksgiving celebrations with my parents, brother, grandmom, grandpa, aunt, uncle, and two cousins. It was great and the turkey was huge! Around 9 we headed home and hit the sack (because)...

Friday morning we got up early (i'm talking 630 in the morning here) to go shopping. That's right, 630am on Black Friday. Let me clarify... not my idea! But it was good, and we found lots of cheap stuff. Later that day we headed down to his grandfather's to see him and Trav's parents. It was good to see them. More shopping on Saturday. We actually got a good deal of Christmas shopping done this weekend. Then dinner (with Willy and Trav's parents) at the Mandarin, a really nice Asian cuisine restarant with everything from Sweet and Sour Chicken to Sushi. Mmmm. Yellowtail is awesome.

We headed home that night to see Marc-Clovis, and watched X-men 2... one of our new movies. Very good. Sunday morning Apoc came back, and we all had breakfast at Ginny's. Then football all day, of course! My Eagles won!!!! Those are my boys!! :-) Too bad they are not playing well enough to go anywhere in the playoffs. But I can enjoy their sucess now. After that it was library and then bed for me.

This week should be interesting... the last week of classes. I have literally been waiting for this week for about two months already. But now that its here, I can't believe the semester has gone so quickly... and I'm a little frantic to get everything done! I have a new calm since the weekend though. I really feel like I can do this, and like I don't need to stress out. I just have to keep working and pushing ahead... and before I know it... Winter Break!! Oh thank god for that! I am going to read books for fun, and job search, and do things I enjoy on the weekend - without feeling guilty!! :-) I'm so excited.

And I'm going to get my Christmas shopping done. So much to look forward to... I'm very excited.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Left this semester:
1 - 25 page paper
1 - take home final
1 - regular final
2 - average size papers

Here are my countdowns:
4 days until classes are over
11 days until winter break (SLEEP!)
24 days until Christmas (yay! - in Pittsburg)
26 days until the Hockey game (in Pittsburg)
31 days until New Years (at Muller's?)
49 days until Rent (with Apoc) & the first day of my last semester ever!
95 days until Spring Break (Daytona? with Trav, Mike, Jon, Ed, and Ed...)
148 days until my last day of class ever!
174 days until my graduation!! :-D

countdown, etc.

Left this semester (23 days):
1 - 25 page paper
2 - take home finals
2 - regular finals
2 - average size papers

Here are my countdowns:
7 days to Thanksgiving Break (at my rents)
16 days until classes are over
23 days until winter break (SLEEP!)
36 days until Christmas (yay! - in Pittsburg)
38 days until the Hockey game (in Pittsburg)
43 days until New Years (at Muller's?)
61 days until Rent (with Apoc) & the first day of my last semester ever!
107 days until Spring Break (Daytona? with Trav, Mike, Jon, Ed, Ed, and another?)
160 days until my last day of class ever!
186 days until my graduation!! :-D

God I can't wait to graduate. It will be amazing. So today is not a bad day... its not exactly pretty out, but its not cold or windy. The nip in the air feels really good in fact, and that has help my mood hugely. I'm still super stressed and am (obviously) counting down the days until this semester is over; but I'm forcing myself not to freak out about it. I figure that doesn't help anything.

I keep picturing next semester as this golden tinged time in my life, I know it could never live up to what I have made it out to be... but it will be better then this semester, thats for sure! I'll only be taking 14 credits- 2 from a self-paced class, 4 philo, 4 IR 300 level with Wylie, and 4 from a 100 level IR (which I'm excited about). I'll still be working at all three jobs, but less time over all. School and work I'll only be pulling 40 (or so) hour weeks next semester, unlike this one in which I pull about 50 hour weeks. That's not including clubs or homework or meetings either. So that will be nice... plus my early days next semester are 10 o'clocks instead of 9s, and my late are 1045 instead of 920. So that will mean more sleep (which means a happier Megan). Plus I will probably work out on those 1045 days before class... which means a better in shape Megan with a better self esteem and more energy. Yay!
Lol...I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Well, I should get back to work... but I'll leave you all with a joke.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand had caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road,and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain,
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down."

LMAO... Ciao!

344 and other nonrelated bull

IR 344 is going to be the death of me. This paper is driving me crazy because I can't think of what I want to do it on, can't determine where to start, and will end up getting a D in this class (if i'm lucky) because of it. Professor Barkey looked at me in class today and asked how the paper was going... "its going" i believe was my exact responce. He asked if I want to meet... all I wanted to do was shout "HELL NO!!!!" But obviously I couldn't do that.
So now I have to meet with him next week and I have nothing to show him.

Nothing.

It's a very bad feeling.
But lets see if I can get some good stuff in here.

Well, I won our football poll again. That deserves a big THANK YOU EAGLES!!!!! I love my team. It was a crappy game, but the Eagles pulled through for me. So that's some good right there. Its nice because that means I don't have to put money aside for my meal on Sunday, its covered and my earnings can go straight in my account for bills etc. (I hate money... but this is time to talk about happy things, so we won't discuss that.)

Wow... I really can't think of much else to say. Last week was nice because Travis was up every night except for Monday. Of course the whole time he was studying and sleeping because of his CPA exams... but it was still so nice to have him here. The weekend was pretty relaxing... Oh! and my mom got a new job, which is awesome. But that's about all... Its just been the same old, same old... work, class, homework. Stress. Oh well. That's enough for now.

rabbit rabbit rabbit...

Have you ever hear of the old superstition that when you wake up on the first day of the new month you are supposed to say "Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit"... I can't remember the story my mom told me about where that came from or anything, but it's supposed to bring you good luck. Considering this is the first entry of the new month, I thought I would see how much luck I could get from it.

Anyway, lets see whats new and amazing, or not so amazing, or anything like that which I can update you on. Well, the last day I wrote was the 23rd... damn that's so long. Well, that day I had lunch with my super sweet little, Lauren. That was a great time, and it was so nice to catch up with her. Then that weekend Trav and I, and a bunch of Psi U's went to see 'Scary Movie 3'. Oh my word, it's hilarious!! Much better then the first two. That weekend Rochelle also came up, which was fun. Trav and I went for a walk on Sunday and enjoyed the beautiful weather, and looked at the pretty mules.
Last week the pressures of school work really caught up to me and I was feeling so stressed out, and very exhausted. Up working every night, but not feeling like I was getting anything done because I was too tired to think.
Ex. Thursday night I went to sleep at 10 instead of going out like I originally planned. It was just too much for me.

But friday turned out very well in that I had off from work at Laura's, and the Philo office closed for painting at 12... so I was at the library by 12:30 and stayed their until 5:40ish. It was a long time... but it was very good and I got a killer amount of work done. All my readings for this week in 344, started my 390 paper, and wrote my whole 160 paper in one shot. Not so bad.
Plus I got to go home and soon after Trav was there.

Friday night the crew hoes came over and we all hung out in our coustumes and drank and played cards. Everyone looked awesome! I also managed to figure out a costume which I was happy about. I was a surfer girl with my board shorts, my bikini top, trav's hawiian shirt, my sunglasses, and this horrendous blond wig that Meg N. let me use. It was fun. I definitely got a bit drunk that night... off Boones and shots and Scorpian bowls (apoc and I got first!!). Good times though, and I wasn't even hung over on Saturday. Lol, Trav and Hannah were both drunk though when they woke up! Which was especially funny because we went out to brunch at Ginny's. Great food after which we went home and literally laid around ALL day! We did nothing... which felt great. Then for dinner Trav and I went to Ruby Tuesdays. Mmmm... I'm drooling just thinking about it. After that it was back home and movie watching. We rented '28 days' which is weird and pretty creepy. I liked it. Then to bed and lots of sleep.

Sunday I woke up and made breakfast to surprise travis in bed. Then we got up, showered, and ended up going right to McGrady's to buy Mike his meal. We watched football and talked and it was very relaxing as well. Plus, the weather just made it so much better! After that Trav and I headed home, grabbed our books, and hit the library. We were their from 2 until 6 or so... and managed to get a lot done. Then we headed home, ate leftovers, checked the scores, and got more work done. So Sunday was very productive as well... and relaxing at the same time. This weekend was great. So much what I needed. Plus I won our football poll!! Sweet.

This coming week should be pretty good as well. I have off from work at Laura's today, so straight to the library after class for me. Tomorrow night Trav will be coming... he has his CPA exam in Allentown on Wednesday and Thursday, so he'll be here Tuesday night through Thursday night, head to work Friday morning from my place, then be back up for the weekend on Friday night. Unless I head down there and we chill with Brian. But we will see. Either way I'm excited about having my baby up here with me! We get to fall asleep together every night... something we haven't gotten since he graduated. (Well, besides the occational vacation... i miss Cape Cod! lol.)
Well, anyway... I'm starving so I'm going to go eat. Enjoy the weather everyone, it's georgeous!

Ciao!!!!

definitely busyness!! :-)

So I have determined that the not writing as much as I want is from busyness!! Lol, that's for sure. This week has gone quickly, which is very fine by me. Popping down to surprise Travis at 10 o'clock at night on Tuesday definitely helped the time go faster. He thanked me for coming, said I was wonderful, and told me how surprised he was. I told him I was just as surprised! Considering I did even decide to leave until 9 that night, and just hopped in the car to go! Lol. Well anyway, tomorrow is friday and that is wonderful. I have so much work to do, and hopefully I will actually do it this weekend. It is just so hard to think about work when my Trav is up here. All I want to do is relax with him. Well, the fact that I don't have class and can actually sleep in doesn't help either! If I can get some research done for my 344 paper, and get my room a bit more organized, then I will be satisfied. I always have this feeling that if I organized my space, then it will help to organize my life and actions more. We'll see about that one. Well, time to go and have lunch with my wonderful little Lauren! I'm so very excited... she is great. Ciao!!

snaps and smiles!!!

I haven't written in a week, and i'm not sure if that's because things have been too crazy, or if its been too slow.

I had my 56 test last week... which was stressful, and okay all at the same time. I got it back now, and got a B which is the best feeling in the world considering how I did last time. Smiles and snaps for that one! And the horror that was my other IR test, ended up not so bad. The Professor informed us that if we improved a good deal from the first test to the second, that he would discount our first test from a large part of our grade. So that is mucho reassuring. And I got my first paper back from my 390 class and that's a B as well.
So I actually have lots of smiles to go around right now.

The weekend was nice also. Travis, Mike, Gilbert, Bert, Erin, and I all went to see "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" on Friday... and that was a good movie. Its freaky, and even though you know whats going to happen, you still get surprised. It was the first movie i've been to in a while where the whole audiance jumped at the same time. It was fun too, because everyone would jump, and then everyone would laugh at the fact that we all jumped. But it was a good movie, and a good time.

Saturday involved a lot of laying around and relaxing, some researching at the library for this paper which will be the death of me, and making our beef stew. My boss Laura gave me a crockpot... so Travis and I slow cooked a beef stew all day. It was fun. I love when Trav and I get to be domestic together!! :-) That night we hung out at the house for a little bit... then watched movies until we fell asleep.

Sunday Travis and I went out to McGrady's with Mike for our weekly meal. We watched football first there, then at the house. It was great... I kicked ass this week!! So that was fun. Then we did work, and I talked to Ro who is visiting this coming weekend. Yay!! We caught up a lot... and it was cute because we talked about our ideal engagement rings. And Travis took notes!! :-D That makes me very happy. So right now you have an overall, very satisfied Megan talking to you! That is a good thing. Well, time to go get work done.

Ciao!!

ps. Happy Birthday Lauren!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wonderful weekend, and now the Blah...

So pacing break was the most wonderful thing in the world, and really the R&R I needed... Seeing heather was great, and we had so much fun. I needed to see her. Lately I've been missing big time. Then camping with my boy... oh man, i couldn't have picked anything better! We got to cook on the fire, and snuggle in our sleeping bags at night, and see a bear up close (okay, that part was scary!!). The best though was just the quality alone time we got. And we exchanged anniversary presents. He is so awesome. I got a pretty necklace (silver and jade, i think), and an Eagles jersey!! Yay! I was going to get one myself before, so I'm glad I waited. And he got the trip, and these silver wine glasses that were engraved with our names. He also has a shirt coming, if it ever gets back in stock!! I hope, I hope! We exchanged those on Friday night because I wanted him to be able to use the glasses for the champagne I brought (from my Uncle Wray for my birthday). It was definitely wonderful. Then yesterday (the 13th), was our actual anniversary... 3 years. Trav took off which was nice... I love being able to come home to him there. We laid around and watched movies on TV, and got Chinese food for dinner. Then of course we watched the game... yay for STL, but boo for the lower score (tie-breaker, Trav won). It was a great day over all.

Now, my original plan was to end this entry with my happy thoughts, but today has just plunged me into reality again.

This is a call to the colorblind
This is an IOU
Stranded behind a horizon line
Try to be something true
Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry
Chorus: Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be
So damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
Gives me credit for

Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin
I've been tripping in
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Chorus
Cause I'm bigger than my body now
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame I
f the flame's what it takes to remember my name
To remember my name, oh Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Chorus
Cause I'm bigger than my body
Bigger than my body
Bigger than my body now

John Mayer – Bigger than my Body

Lets see, first I had to wake up and realize that Trav was gone again for the rest of the week. Boo for that, I just can't wait to graduate and be able to wake up next to him everyday. Then I got my test back, and lets just say that I currently despise Professor Barkey. Which of course made me think about my paper which I don't know how I'm going to do it... and now that my first test went so poorly despite my days of studying, I really have to get a kick ass grade on it to pull my test grade up.

I'm just depressed because I love IR, but it makes me feel so stupid. Why can't I get things? Why can't I remember stupid names and places and dates? I've been feeling like I picked the wrong major for about the last year now... but it was too late to do anything about it. And I can't understand how people can graduate a semester early as a double major, and I can't do one major well. I guess I didn't plan things out correctly... I guess I am just not smart enough to do as well I as know I should be able to do.

So there we go... instead of ending on the happy "I Love My Travis" note that I originally wanted to end on, we'll stop here on the "I'm a retard and can't handle feeling stupid anymore" note. What a tuesday.

wonderful things to look forward to...

I feel like writing in pretty blues today... I'm in just such a good mood!! Lol. This week gives me so much to look forward to. I have gotten myself slightly overwhelmed in the past month, and this week is my chance to make it better. Wednesday I work until 8:30 like normal... and like normal I will be going home to do work, but the nice part is I will be doing it because I want to. Not because I have to! I figure I will be able to look ahead and make some plans for myself for what needs to be done by when. Then sleep early!! Lol... Thursday is the first day of pacing break. But I will be working, which is actually very okay with me because then I will have Friday completely off. 9:30 until 12:30 or 1 I will be at Laura's. Then 1 - 5 I will be at Global Horizons. Then my real vacation starts. Thursday night is all about Heather and I getting some quality time together! We're hitting the vintage shop and then KCF, then then a diner. Good times. And Friday we get to ... sLeEp In!!!!!! Halleluah! I'm so very excited about that. Hang out there until whenever... then back to my place and finish packing for camping with my boy this weekend. That's right, Trav and I are leaving Friday afternoon/early evening and heading to Rickette's Glen State Park in upstate PA for some quality time and some nature. It should be great. Sleeping in a tent, roasting marshmellows, making smores, roasting weiners, carving a pumpkin, hiking and seeing the waterfalls... I really really can't wait. We might also hit Knobles while we're their... just for the fun of it. It's such a cute amusement park, why not?! Then back to Lehigh Sunday night. And Monday (which trav took off), is our 3 year anniversary. How sweet does all that sound?! It's definitely the R & R that I desperately need.

Well, time for me to get some work done... Hasta Luego!

Another Manic Monday...

§ An Irish Friendship Wish §

§ May there always be work for your hands to do; §

§ May your purse always hold a coin or two; §

§ May the sun always shine on your windowpane; §

§ May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain; §

§ May the hand of a friend always be near you; §

§ May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. §

A little Irish luck for you. Lets see, when did I write last... I think it was Thursday. Well then, I guess the first step would be to write about the weekend.

Thursday night (Senior Night) was fun. Definitely better then the last one because it was good times, and I didn't get really drunk. I like that. Last senior night was a good time but it ended so badly because all my shots hit me right when I was leaving the bar, and I was already completely trashed. So I ended up "sleeping" on my bathroom floor that night, which is something I never want to do again! But lets not talk about that anymore. So Thursday after I left the bar (only had one drink, and basically socialize the whole time)... I hit Stella's for a little because she was having a little party thing. Hung out there for a bit, talked to Daryn for a while, got the cutest picture of Daryn/Liz/&Myself... then went home and hit the sack. Last week was exhausting due to late nights studying, and man did I sleep that night.

Friday Trav and i BBQed on my new grill. Fun times!! Then we just relaxed and watched a movie and went to bed. It was very nice actually, and was a good thing considering the little sleep we ended up getting Saturday night. So we woke up that morning and got ready and left for the wedding. It was out in Hershey, actually right next to the park. It definitely stunk for Ollie and Amy because it rained some (outdoor wedding)... but it was still so beautiful, and cleared up by the end. So after that it was on to the reception, and lots of food and socializing, and a little drinking (but only two drinks for me the whole time we were there, because I was driving). Amy is such a sweet girl, and I'm glad I got to know her better this weekend... I really didn't know who Ollie was marrying before because we had only talked once or twice when they came up to Psi U. But she really is great, and they really are great together, and I know they are going to be very happy.
So after the reception, Amy and Ollie, Brian and Stacy, Travis and I all headed out together and hit the DragonFly... which was one of the clubs in Harrisburg that we had gone to with Mary's Bachlorette Party (probably wrote about it in that entry, if you want to read more). (Amusing side note: Travis borrowed clothes from Brian, and I borrowed clothes from Stacy to wear out because we originally had planned on going home that night. So all size 4 of me ended up having to squeeze into a pair of size 1 jeans!!! That was interesting. And get this... Travis wore Jeans! Lol. In our 3 years together, I have seen Travis in jeans a total of: ZERO times! It was amusing. But back to the real story.)
It was a good time, but soooo crowded, and mostly with these HUGE black men who were very brash and open about what they were there for! One of them even reached Between! Travis and I to pinch my ass... while we were dancing together. That was a new one. It was fun... but man was I exhausted by the time we left (after last call).
We didn't get to bed until 3:30 or so... and had to be up to check out of our sleezy motel by 11. So Sunday was a sleepy day! But it was also fun. Brunch with everyone fromt the night before plus James and his girlfriend. Then home again (with Travis and my new Beta Oliver... hehe, to keep my Harvest company) taking the 2.5 hour "scenic route". Yup, aka we missed our exit!! Lol, opps. But it actually turned out to be one of those great drives, which was really amusing and fun and totally worth it. Got home and went out for dinner at McGrady's (free dinner for me for my win in football last week). Then Trav and I just hung out and cleaned my room/did homework for the rest of the night. Then bed.

As for today... Well, today is okay for a Monday. I don't have class at one because it is Yom Kippur... so that is nice. I'll have some free time between work at Philo, and work at Laura's. I'll probably see if I can get my film developed from the wedding. Oh! And I got a great note from someone that I haven't talked to or heard from in a while. So that was a nice surprise and made me feel very good.
Wow... well it's 1 already... so time for me to head out. I will definitely write more later though, because I feel very talkative right now! Bye!!

So I am in an absolutely wonderful mood today! I am done with my stupid 344 test, and I think it actually went well. This is so very exciting. Anyone who saw me studying can tell you that I was horribly nervous about this test, and convinced that I was going to fail. So happiness about that, and here's hoping I did as well as I thought I did!! Tonight should be a good time to finish up the day too, because it's senior night at the Ho. Ever since I went to Happy Hour for dinner with Stella on Tuesday, I've been thinking about the bar. But I'm going to be a good girl and not have too much to drink. As much as I want my weekend to start now, I still have another day.

I'm really quite happy now. The test is a huge weight off my shoulders, because no matter what I get, its out of my hands now. And this weekend is going to be lots of fun. Cooking out on my new grill (which I won!) and a movie, all with my boy, on Friday night. Then going to watch one thing I never thought I would see... Ollie's Wedding! Probably hanging out at the house that night after we get back from the reception. Then Sunday probably walking around to see the mules... and dinner on Trav and Mike for winning the football pool last week. Yay for winning things, and feeling a huge weight off my back, and for pretty autumn weather, with pretty autumn smells in the air... and yay for good friends and good fun, and of course for my wonderful man.

And Yay for everything finally feeling right again!
Especially me!!

TGIF

Oh thank the heavens that it is Friday!

The weekends always make me a much happier person. And even though I have a bunch of work, this weekend especially should be a good time. Travis, Mike, and I started a little 3-person football poll... which should provide us with much entertainment. The 2 losers buy the winner lunch the following weekend. I have the feeling that I should be saving my money, because I will be losing a lot!! Lol, I definitely pick too much according to who I want to win and not actually who I think is going to win. (Ex: the Eagles, I of course picked them to win, even though I know they will bite just as much ass this week as they did every other game so far.) But, oh well... I'm still very excited, as this will cause some good times. Also this weekend is the Celtic Classic... which is a great celebration (yay for my heritage), and let me tell you, us Celts know how to have a good time!! :-) Plus the fact that it always occurs during the first few weeks of autumn, it makes me just feel very good when it arrives because I know that autumn has arrived as well. Just thinking about the season fills me with this warm pleasant feeling... So Trav and I and multiples of Psi U alums should be hitting that tonight or Sunday or sometime in between.

And then Saturday evening is Trav and my dinner at my rents. I'm actually really looking forward to this! We're doing an "endless pasta bowl" a la Olive Garden. My mom is making a few different pastas, and a few different sauces, and then we get to mix and match. We're also going to be watching Lord of the Ring, Two Towers... a wonderful movie, which also gets me in a happy spirit.

Right now (if you can't tell) I'm in just such a happy mood. I want to just forget about anything that drags me down: classes, job searching, money etc. I want to think about happy, exciting things... like going to Ireland and riding horses for a living. Or living in Bethlehem and being at artist at the Banana factory. Or something equally wonderful. Of course with Travis by my side. Now, I'm not delusional or anything... I realize that won't be happening, but it's so pleasant to think about... isn't it?! :-)

budget

So I've decided to try an make my life easier but tackling something that has been causing me much stress lately.
My budget. (yuck)

I actually sat down and looked over everything today. It's amazing how much better I feel just planning everything out. I consolidated all of my credit card debt to one card, which I'm going to make large monthly payments on to bring down. I've also cut up that card so I can't put anything else on it. I will have it only as emergency overdraft protection on my bank account. My other card now has nothing on it, and I'm going to keep it that way, and use it only if I need it for an emergency.

I looked at all of my incoming money, and subtracted all of my monthly expenses: including a sizable payment to the credit card (which will allow me to pay it all off in 6 months or less, including interest), rent, utilities, gas, etc. With all that I figured out that I can still have approx. $100 a month to put into savings. Now my budget leaves me a little short on spending money, but I also purposely underestimated the amount I bring in for my one job... that way if I have extra, it's a nice surprise, as opposed to if I ran short one month.

Hopefully I will be able to stick with this budget, and although at first it will be a little hard... it was also make my life so much easier in the long run! And it will mean that when I graduate, the only debt I have will be student loans which I can't really do anything about right now. I'm very excited right now about my plan of action... it always feels good to have something laid out to follow.

Yippee for my budget... and yippee for money no longer controlling me!!

blah... jobs

Well, it's another blah Tuesday... I'm getting really sick of school and have senioritis very badly, and basically just want to get out of here and move on to the next stage of my life. Lehigh has been fun, and I still have fun here, and love it... but I'm just ready for what's next. Yet this leads to a lot of stress. I'm so stressing out about jobs right now. It's scary to think about the job market, and about how competitive any job that I could get with an IR degree are going to be. :-( I'm petrified that I won't be able to find anything and I'll end up working some minial secretary job just to pull in a salary.

I feel depressed about my resume and my grades... I feel like I could have done better, done more... but it's not like I don't try!! I work so much that it doesn't leave a lot of time for extra-curricular activities. Three jobs this semester, and three clubs. Plus 17 credits and job searching. It's not like I could add more into that, and I really am trying with the grades. I'm not stupid, but sometimes there is just too much going on. There are things that I regret so much though, because I really could have changed them.

I should have planned my progression of classes better. I should have gotten more involved my freshman year. I should have kept up with Chinese. I never should have became a pothead for my freshman and sophomore years. I should have gone abroad last year. I should have gotten a better job or an interview over my pre-junior year summer. I should have waited an extra week last year to agree to an internship, and therefore have been able to do the UN one (well, I guess that one I couldn't have known about).

I'm really not looking forward to the Career Fair either, because of all this. I feel like it will simply depress me and lead me to feel trapped. It is autumn, my favorite time of year... and all I want to do is be happy and content, and excited about the coming year. Instead I am feeling desperately rushed, stuck, and cornered.

I guess I just have to do my best and see what will come. Wish me luck.... :-\

people

It's very weird when you think you know people... and then you find out all these things about them that you didn't realize. And when they act one why for so long that when they change some, even if its for the better, it feels wrong. I'm so frustrated right now, and I have absolutely no reason to be. None. I'm annoyed though with all those people out there who have gone and change, and who aren't acting like "themselves"... and I'm frustrated with the fact that I don't know why they are acting differently. But mostly I'm frustrated with myself and the fact that I have not been able to do what they have done. I've not had the accomplishments. I've not had the grades. I've not had the resume builders, or the financial resources. I'm so glad that I get to see Travis tonight, because I need a huge hug... I need to be held and feel loved, and I need to feel like everything is going to be okay. If only for a minute or two.

The Dream

Okay, so I've finally gotten around to editing this entry, and actually turning it into an entry about my Dream. It's weird lately that I've been having this incredibly vivid and cracked out dreams... dreams of storms and old teachers, of friends and bars and crazy people trying to come after me, most of them with Travis in them. And I remember them the next day and try to figure out where they came from and what they mean. But this dream has really stuck with me, and its really sparked some big emotions and thoughts in me.

So first the dream itself which is going to be quick because I remember so little of the action within the dream, but so much about the emotions I was feeling and the overall atmosphere. That I don't know if I can explain as well....
But anyway, the dream:

It started off in this house, a very nice house and very big, but not one I really know. Everything in the house had this shadowly light on it, like a room lit up by a very full moon... and the feelings in this house were very mysterious and forboding. Not truly scary, but forboding nonetheless. In this dream I knew that it was my "mission", so to speak, to protect some of the members of the family which lived in this house. Their daughter was getting married and someone was against that. Travis was also helping me with this, but I never actually saw him once in the dream... just felt his presence and knew he was on my side. After a little while I was outside, and it was day time... although still very shadowy. Before me appeared someone I know from real life, who we'll just call DW. Now I knew that DW was there to offer me advice about what to do to help this family and complete my "mission". But DW in the dream came up to me and we kissed (not clear who started it). It was my feeling that DWs ulterior motive was this kiss... and so I didn't know how to feel about it or him.

Well... here's where I offer some background involving my real life relationship with DW. We were friends, and in a way still are, although much more uncomfortably so... but Travis does not get along with DW at all. Lets just say, without too much detail, that while Travis and I were together DW tried to pull something on me.

So this dream obviously sparked some interesting feelings in me. Feelings of "why is this coming back to haunt me?" But also feelings of... well... wonder? I don't know exactly how to explain this. I have come to realize that I have some issues with the way I've done things in the past. This extends to schooling and to my personal life. I don't really want to change anything, but at the same time, due to circumstances now... I have some feelings of insecurity. And sex is one of those areas. Trav is more experienced then I am. And it's not to say that I want to have had sex with more guys... I don't! I like that Trav is my one and only. What I would change if I could, is his experience level... but obviously that is not possible. And so I'm left with this feeling of frustration and insecurity.

Overall this is not a huge problem... I love Travis very much and I just don't think about any of the other girls. They are in the past and nothing can be done about them now. We have a wonderful relationship, and this is not going to effect it. However this dream Made me think about it, and made me confront these feelings... which I didn't really want to do. I mean, what can I do about them? Nothing!
But that is enough of that... my stupid dream.

another week

I haven't written in a week, which is bad because I feel like right now I have so much to write about. I probably don't, but I think I should go with that feeling. Hmm... last week. Well, my first dance class with Stella was interesting! I think she will agree with me that the teacher definitely expected this certain level of flexability, athletic prowess, dance knowledge, etc... and I don't think I was really up to any of them. But I tried, and it will be interesting to see if I can do better this time around. I also kind of got annoyed with her use of the phrase, "in a perfect world". I've definitely realize by now that it's not a perfect world, why does she get to be pleasantly in the dark about that?

Then that night was supposed to be my dinner with QinQin, but due to some confusion that got pushed off until this Thursday. But I still had this huge homecooked meal, so Phil was sweet enough to come over and eat with me. :-) Yay.

Let's see... I feel like so much more happened last week, but my feeble memory is toying with me right now, and I'm at a loss. See, this is why I need to write more... so I can actually remember what happens in my life. Well, I know that I went out on Wednesday night to Senior Night at the Ho. I was expecting to stay for only a few drinks, but it was Greg's 21st birthday that night, so we stayed until he came at Midnight... and then on until last call! So I was more then pleasantly drunk. Lets just put it this way, I'm getting a headache just thinking about it, and how I felt the next day! It was a good time overall, even though there were certain "shaddy" moments that I'm not going to go into too great a detail about. Let's just put it this way, sometimes I really detest guys who feel like they can just do whatever they want with whomever they want. Which is weird because this sentiment reminds me in part of a dream I had last night, but that I will talk about later.

So thursday I recovered, and that was uneventful and not very fun... although the going to sleep at 7 o'clock that night was so nice!! And it made Friday that much better, and considering Friday was a good day to begin with... well, it was just a very nice ending to the week. Trav came up around 6:30 and we hit the bar, with (eventually) Jon, Mike, Cheeks, Joon, and Hannah's Ho's. It was a good time and very good food. Next was Psi U for beirut and hotels and more beirut... but it was very pleasant drinking with awesome peoples, and I didn't really get overly intoxicated. Just this nice buzz that made me happy. And we went to bed rather early (because of the game Saturday) which was nice, because I do like sleep... especially with my babes.

So Saturday we hit the Lehigh football game, and waking up was actually very easy. The Crossan's were up and it is always good to see them. Lehigh, of course, won!! Beating the (at the time) 11th or 9th ranked college (depending on if you checked before or after a slight readjustment on Saturday)... so we are now up to #20!! And Fordhum, down to... hum, 18 or something? (Can't quite remember, but either way:) Go Lehigh!

So let's see, after that we went home and showered and relaxed. We watched some of the other games, then headed to the mall where I got my new phone. I'm very excited about that. Only $31!! and it's normally $220! How sweet is that?! But anyway...

Sunday involved lots of laying around. Mike came down for a bit and we watched some more football. I cleaned my room, then cooked yummy homemade chicken tenders for dinner. For dessert we walked to the Cup for ice cream. But that's really all... some homeworking, and bed.

Hmm... finally into this week.
Monday sucked because I woke up feeling sick for no reason. I had slept well and everything, but still felt very ill. I ended up missing classes because of that, but I didn't want to go and end up having to leave to puke. Yuck. But after sleeping until 1, I felt so much better and was able to go to work.
Today has been uneventful so far, but you never know what will come... and now I will end my rambling because it is time to go get my car tuned up!

Ta-ta!

At least it's not Monday...

So it's Tuesday, not over the hump of the hill, way too far from the weekend, but at least it's not Monday anymore, Tuesday. I'm tired and cranky after staying up until 12 or a bit after last night to watch the Eagles not play football. Really, I swear they were simply there to take up space on the field. Hmm... so isn't this an interesting phenomenon... Megan likes football. This is really new to me. I've always considered the Eagles my team, but now I really actually like football. I enjoy watching it, and yelling at the players, and I actually know what's going on most of the time now! It's entertaining to me, which I find exciting. :-) I know, i know, silliness.

So last night turned out to be pretty fun. I got to dress up to be a door whore at Psi U. I found that when I wear my comfy push up bra and this one 'boosting' tank top together, I have boobs... like wow, look-at-my-chest-and-not-my-eyes, boobs. It was kind of fun, just for the night, to actually dress to impress. And it's funny watching the reactions of the guys, all used to seeing me in T-shirts, when they see that yes, I really am female, and really do have breasts. Although the shaddy southside guy, who was old enough to be my father mind you, who followed me around A*harts... well, that could have been done without. But it was still a good day, and that actually was slightly flattering.

But back to the fact that it's Tuesday. Tonight I'm having dinner with my "Little Sister" QinQin. I'm very excited because, for one, it's an inspiration to cook a good meal, and two, we haven't gotten to really talk since the first time we met, and I would like find out more about my Chinese counterpart. :-) So that will come later tonight. And of course we have the fact that today Stella and I finally have our Modern class is pretty nice. I'm excited to see what the teacher will be like, and if I'm going to make an ass of myself this semester!!

Well, I'm kind of bored with myself right now, and I'm sure you are too... so I'm just going to stop here for now. Maybe later I can actually type something with substance and thoughtfulness!

it's so gray out...

Wow, so it's a little depressing looking out the window right now. I mean, I love rain, but this is a little ridiculous... it's not even raining right now, but it is so cold and so wet and so blah. GRAY! Yuck. And it seems like I have nothing I have to do right now, nothing to physically write down or complete, just stupid reading... and I hate that because it makes me feel like I'm forgetting something. But at the same time, there are so many people coming at me with thing we need to get done. I have to meet with a Professor about this self-paced class I'm doing, and have a WAC exec meeting to decide on goals and when elections will be, and a WAC full meeting, and meet with my foreign "Little Sister", and i have to meet with a friend from Chi O to give her all the info so she can do my job that I did last year, and meet with Lisa from my summer internship so that we can discuss my hours and responcibilities for me working there during the school year, and I know there has to be a ASA meeting soon, and... well, you get the idea. It just goes on and on.

And on top of that there are money issues, like the fact that I really need my financial aid check now so that i can use it for my credit card and for bills. But who knows when the hell its going to get here, so that is just one more stress. At least one good thing happened, in that i got my advisor to sign the sheet I need to make my one class Pass/Fail. That's a nice little lessening of stress, now i can focus all that energy onto my major classes. Thank God!

So with all these termultuous emotions, I really feel like I should put something meaningful and inspirational in my journal right now... so that in the least, I should really respond to that entry that I posted over a week ago now. But you know what? I don't think I can.
I'm so wiped out and so half asleep, and just not in a state of energy right now. All I want to do is go home, curl up in my bed with a cup of tea and a bowl of soup (and a Travis), listen to Pink Floyd and read a book. Is that so much to ask? Apparently, when school starts up, it is! I will be really happy when tomorrow comes! My weekend starts at 2. Hell yes.

what a weekend!!! (pt2)

So, after the Bachlorette Party ended we all passed out in our rooms at the loverly Crown Plaza hotel. Well, actually my roommate didn't pass out, she had sex... in the next bed... with my laying there awake... But details details!! Luckily Trav called me at that point from the Bachlor Party (in a Holiday Inn a few streets away) which was also ended, so when he asked me how I was, I told him that I was fine except for my roommate having sex in the next bed! :-D They got a lot quieter after that. Anyway, then it was time for some precious little sleep... (about 4 hours that night because my stupid ass body woke me up at about 8 o'clock am!).

Friday:
we all eventually woke up and the girls and guys coordinated to check out of our hotels and meet up at Mary's parents place to head to lunch from there. We went to this nice golf club place right down the road and had an awesome lunch, then went back to Mary's until it was time to check into the Radisson, at 3, where everything else was being held. After we checked in we all tried to get a little less scuzzy and then my roommates (jon, ed, and trav) and I headed to the bar until the Rehearsal dinner at 6. Rehearsal dinner was awesome... this guy played music, and toward the end did this funny game show type game. The food was so good with ribs, fried chicken, cornbread, and samon. And desert of pecan pie and apple crisp. Of course, the open bar also assisted with the good times. After all that was over around 9 or so, we headed back to the hotel to take off our nice clothes and hit the bar. There we met the best bartender ever whom we called Captain. He was full of jokes and had our drinks down in no time flat... and even showed us some magic tricks! By the end of the night I could walk up to him and say, "one for me and one for my boy" and he had us covered, no explaining needed! Sleepy time after last call. And after way too much money down the drain!! Lol. ;-)

Saturday:
D-day for Mary and Casey... a bunch of the guys get up to go golfing with Casey. Trav and I decided to sleep in instead (neither of us can really golf anyway)! The wedding was to take place at 4:30, so after waking up and getting some lunch with Stu, we basically relax and got ready for the rest of the time. Okay, so the wedding... it was beautiful and very sweet. Mary looked beautiful in an off the shoulder satin gown with a see thru over lay on the skirt and a flowing train. Her bridesmaids all looked good in their soft green dresses as well. The guys looked great in their tuxes, and any Psi U there can tell you that we should all be impress with how they cleaned up!! As for the ceremony itself, it was a short one... but it was perfect that way. No one ever wondered how much longer, and it was still very romantic. Mary and Casey both got choked up as they said their vows, and I know that I had tears in my eyes too! Oh, and I had it in confidence from one of my good friends who was a groomsman... he wasn't dry eyed either. After that we headed to the Reception in a Huge room down the hall. I filled up on so many delicious hor'devors that I could hardly eat my dinner... which was also wonderful. And of course, there was the open bar!! Everyone danced... including my boyfriend, halleluah! :-) In fact, watching him try to sachet with Casey's mom while they were both wearing blow up clown shoes (compliments of Mr.B the DJ), was definitely one of the highlights of the evening for me! Another fun thing was getting the "Lehigh picture"... which obviously included Mary and Casey, and Mike, Elliot, Bromley, Meg M., and Pat - all from the wedding party, then there was Mary's dad, an aunt, and someone else in the family (i think), along with one of their family friends. All who went to Lehigh (a bit before us!). Then the guests... Rochelle, Pat, Jon, Ed, Kerrie and Squirrel, Grant, Stu, Trav and myself. Definitely a fun picture... and overall an incredible time.
After the reception we all headed back to the hotel. A bunch of us helped get Casey and Mary up to their Presidential suite in the hotel with all of their new stuff and then headed off to change. After that it was back to the hotel bar for another night hanging out with the Captain until last call!

Sunday:
A little rougher to wake up this morning, although my body again screwed with me and I was showering by 8:30. We were all up by 9:30 and showering to get ready for check out at 11, and brunch. A family friend of Mary's had everyone over for that. Then it was time to head home. Mike, Ed, and Jon were in one car... and Trav and I were in mine (with a brand new full tank of gas!). We all headed to Mike's (so Trav could grab his car), where we hung out until 7 or so before heading up to Lehigh. So I guess that's about all! It was definitely a good weekend, and a nice break from school. It was also such a sweet thing to see. If you'll bear with my sappiness for a second I can explain a reason why this weekend meant so much to me. First off, it was fun watching another "Psi U couple" get married... but especially since they got pinned right before Travis and I did. It's almost like they are an inspiration to us. We both told them this weekend that they give us a hint of what we have to look forward to. But yea, I won't make you listen to that anymore... ;-) And as this entry is very long, I think this would be a nice place to end it anyway!!

Ciao!

what a weekend!!

So here it is, another Monday. I can't believe it's only the second week of school. It already feels like we've been here for too long already. Of course I know that all too soon the time will be flying and I'll want it to slow down. Never quite happy, we stupid human's are... but anyway, I didn't want to get into that. What I wanted to do was tell you about my awesome weekend.

This weekend was Mary and Casey's wedding, and it was incredible. First off I left Thursday afternoon to attend the Bachlorette Party, in what turned out to be the most horrible trip ever! Luckily the weekend made up for the trip there because this is how badly my ride to Harrisburg went. First off I had it all planned out. I was going to leave at 2ish, right after being done with work. I was going to go and get my tires replaced and my oil changed, because both really needed to be done... and doing it before the 100 + mile trip seemed a good idea. So I get home and low and behold I'm blocked into the driveway. This is not a huge deal, except that I couldn't find Stella in the bookstore to let me out! So by the time I found her and moved the cars and returned her keys it was almost 3! (side note: this contains no ill will to Stella, it was definitly not her fault... it was just one of those things) I figure out that I'm only going to be able to get one of the two things done and decide to go with the tires considering I really couldn't drive above 30 in the rain with my old tires on. So I head to Sears tire service and talk to the guy... explaining my rush he checks out the statis of the garage and determines that they can have me out of there in an hour, no problem! That would be cutting it a little close, but I figure that's good enough. So I sit down to wait... and wait. . . . and wait! Two hours later they are finally done. Of course, I am none too happy about this. In fact it's fair to say that if that man hadn't conviently disappeared while I was waiting, he would have conviently ended up with one of my old tires shoved up his ass!

Finally I get on the road at 5 o'clock... I was supposed to be in Harrisburg (a 1.5 hour drive) between 5 and 6. So when I hit the road, I really hit the road. Thank God I didn't get pulled over because I didn't do below 70 the whole time... and for most of the ride I was doing much higer then that! I would have made it in an hour. I say would have except that 1 mile from my exit (which is only 5-10 minutes from the hotel we were meeting and staying at) my car dies. I will tell you why, but let me first tell you that I am not one of those stupid girls that doesn't pay attention to her car or know anything about her car. Well, in my haste I didn't pay enough attention to my gas gauge, and I had driven most of those 100 + miles to Harrisburg on fumes. So I then sat on hold with AAA for 30 minutes... after which I sat on the side of the road waiting for AAA for another 75 minutes! Finally I was able to complete my trip and arrive at the hotel around 8. How fun is that.

At least now the fun part really starts! :-)
When I caught up with the girls they were at a sports bar named Kokomo's. That place was great! Good food, and cheap at that! So we ate and drank and made sure Mary was constantly entertained! Then it was time to move on, so we headed down the street to Eclipse... which is an awesome bar/dance club. On the stage was this particularly horrid looking man doing the funniest dance ever. This ended up being where we stayed most of the night, because it was definitely way too much fun there. After that we hit another club called Dragonfly... but they played almost all rap and their drinks were expensive, and it was a little shaddy. So we headed back to Eclipse. And there we stayed until Mary was about to fall over around quarter of 2 or so in the morning. After that we chilled in the hotel for a while and played Bachlorette type games for a bit. There is more to it, but that would take forever... so let's just put it this way: Definitely a fun night!

Okay... i'm going to take a break, then type the rest of the weekend in another entry!!

had to add.... (start of a responce)

I had to add this to my journal. It's so well thought out and beautifully written.... and I think this person deserves praise for it. I will responce better when I have more then 3 minutes to get to class, but I had to let him know that I read it and appreciated it. . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Input: I am interested, intrigued... I read your entry twice. Still I don't know. Are you awake just because you label yourself that way? How do you know that you're awake? Or more so, how is it that those who are awake can claim to know if you are awake or not? You say that anyone can become awake if they only try, if they are only willing... well, how come then those of you who say you are awake cling together? Shouldn't you help those who are on the border of being awake? Don't take that the wrong way, I'm not trying to "affront you" (for lack of a better way to say it)... but I'm truly curious.

Response: First of all, this is great. Input lets me refine my own thought process…see where I may have made a wrong turn. So no worries…

I’d like to start by pointing out why I’ve always had trouble with the term “awake”. You are perceiving it as something which puts one apart from others, somehow elevating them. I’m trying to show that this isn’t the case. This is why I changed it to being “willing”. But maybe we can stay with “awake” for a moment.

How do you know if you are awake?
At the risk of sounding corny, I’m going to say you just do. How do you know when you are in love…or if you are physically awake? It’s just a mental state…nothing more. As I stated, it has nothing to do with actually being something. It’s more of a process. If I were to say that I feel good, would you ask how I know I feel good? One day you take a deep breath and let it out, and realize that something feels different. You are aware of a discomfort, a sort of weight being placed on you. At this point you have two options, you can ignore it and call yourself crazy, or you can confront it. When you choose the second option you take a step away from everything you know. You have accepted the possibility that there is a problem with the essence of reality itself, and what’s more, you have afforded yourself the power to alter reality in order to alleviate the problem. If this goal sounds lofty, its because it is. It’s a struggle that no one will win. But the fact that you struggle, that you suffer for this, makes you awake…so to speak. You choose to be awake.

Are you awake because you have labeled yourself as such?
I don’t know. To be honest, after thinking about this so much, I don’t know if I’m even awake. I just know I’m on to something…whether I’m a part of it or not seems irrelevant at this point. But it seems to me that my first response also answers this question to a point.

You say that anyone can become awake if they only try, if they are only willing... well, how come then those of you who say you are awake cling together? Shouldn't you help those who are on the border of being awake?
At this point it becomes important to redefine the term “awake” and to rename it all together. I’ve been observing my friends, and I’ve been thinking about character and ego…people’s needs and desires. I speak about being a challenger, and awake…all these terms that somehow endear a form of suffering…and be sure that suffering is all it is. And as I see confusion, I also see understanding in the basics. I’ve had two friends tell me they are trees and want nothing more than that. Upon realizing that my father was visiting, my one friend actually asked to meet him so he could say that he was a tree and proud. I hadn’t really realized what I was doing until he said that…I mean I knew that people were feeling belittled…but not to that degree.
I think that everyone is fully awake…or capable of being awake…or has been awake at least once. I believe it is the natural state of the mind to seek something outside of itself. But the truth is that once you take that step, once you turn to the darkness and open your eyes wide you see something terrifying. And at this point you must be willing. Most aren’t…nor should they be. Maybe they are sane, full of a will to be happy…something the rest of us lack…or lost… But they turn inward, finding solace in family, in God, in a job and a home…in everything that is right and wholesome in this world. Then there are a few, who feel they need to move through the darkness. They take that step into the unknown and in doing so they cut themselves loose…they become the “willing” and the lost.

I’m seeing a mistake I made. Anyone can be willing. But only the willing can be a challenger, and not everyone who is willing is in fact a challenger. Some get lost…and stay lost. A challenger fights his way through…and eventually home.

Should we be spreading this? Spreading what? Pain? This isn’t fun. It isn’t something that you have to try. Its something inside you that either exists or doesn’t, a desire to push beyond what this society, these people, these text books and MTV have laid out before you; its the drive to follow a path that will not be easy despite yourself. There I go again, romanticizing it. But you see…I have to…I have to make myself believe that I haven’t wasted my time…because I’ve given too much to this.

I suppose that in the end, none of this will matter. Whether we are all awake, whether you were willing, whether I was a challenger. These things affect nothing of the universe…the will of man does not extend that far…at least not yet. But what is life to you? What are you doing here? If you can answer that question, you don’t need these words…you don’t need to look through the darkness. You are blessed….

I suppose what it eventually comes down to is a sort of hope. A belief that you have power in this world. And that your mind and will, your soul and desire are enough to mold reality. Whether that reality is the world…or just your world…it doesn’t matter…as long as you think you can…as long as you feel you must…as long as you are willing to pay the price…

school... blah

So the summer is really over now, and school has officilly begun. I don't know if I should be excited about this or not. I want to be, but my week in Cape Cod was so georgeous... and all I want to do is go back there. Plus I've already dropped one of my classes. It was not at all what I thought it would be, plus it was more work then my 4 credit courses (it was only 3). So, bu-bye. But oh well, hopefully today's courses will go better. Well, time for me to hit the classroom... but later I will definitely post about the wonder that was Cape Cod.

On the hump...

Well, it's Wednesday... the hump of the week. I can't wait to get thru today because after that the week will fly!! Tonight I have so much work to get done. I have to unpack the last of my boxes (the ones with all my school stuff in them), do laundry, and pack for vacation next week. That's right, a week at the mother-f'in Cape baby!!!!! :-) I'm rather excited if you couldn't tell. But there is a lot to look forward to before that. Like my birthday dinner at my rents tomorrow with my Uncle, etc... very excited about good food, and birthday presents. Lol, yay.
Of course there is lunch with my internship boss earlier that day, and lunch with my work boss on friday. Then to the bar with everyone Friday night. Wahoo! And I just got a call from John... whom I haven't seen since (I think) my pinning, and he is coming! So very exciting. It's nice because even though we've lost touch a few times, John's still made it to the biggest events in my life since he left Lehigh. I love that kid. Well, I should probably get back to work. Only three more days of it before vacation...

!!Hasta la vista babies!!

Actual entry, with thoughts....

My disclaimer...
Warning: this entry is confusing and backwards and doesn't always make sense. If you aren't already completely aware of the situation I'm referring to, then you won't understand it most likely.
(PS. It's not about who you think its about.)
I just really really don't want to use names, because I don't want this all over and names make things travel. There. You have been warned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So it's been a pretty good friday... going rather fast, etc. But I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind. This is something that plagued me ever since my freshman year, this certain special kind of loneliness and obscurity. Recently a friend of mine mentioned something, and this something made me remember all of these feelings that I had been having, but that I had made myself forget last year, and have not paid attention to since.

What he said was the following:
"...a focus on seems cheapened and trivial when it excludes those who actually deserve it. My thought process drifted to you as I realized that when I thought we let down, we must have let you down by 1000 times as much."

Now I have to say that this touched me beyond words, and basically brought up all these emotions that I had pushed away. First off, it seemed like someone had finally acknowledged my feelings and told me that I wasn't a jack ass for feeling them! And believe me, I've been waiting for that since freshman year! The few others involved (who actually knew they were involved) have chosen to ignore it all and think that it will just go away, so I suffered silently. Of course my responce to this person was a very happy one...
"I've wanted to respond to you ever since you sent this, but I didn't know exactly how. In some ways, been the best ever in providing me with support and ... always willing to stick up for me and defend me. However, you are right about me having been let down. It was kind of a long story, the story of ... one that I would gladly fill you in on sometime. Although, I have to warn you that it is a very painful story for me. To sound slightly cheesy (for lack of a better way to put things), my absolute love of has caused me so much heart ache. It's not really anyone's fault in particular, nor was it caused by any one thing that could have been tweeked; but it's very true nonetheless. an attempt to find a replacement for , and an outlet to dull the hurt... but now even that is gone. So, I'm looking forward to starting another year devoted completely ... but at the same time dreading it. I wanted you to know how much your words touched me. Thank you for respecting me like you do..."

It's almost weird, finally feeling validated after all this time. I almost don't know how to react to this now... these feelings are still out again with no where to go. They've been validated, but still have no outlet and no cure. Well, one cure... but one that is not mine... Anyway, it is time for me to go. So yes, i know this entry makes no sense, but I had to vent and get this out of me. So sorry for the nonsensical ramblings, but boy did that feel good!

all about me

Was bored:

...series one//basics --
whole name : Megan Katie Goss-Herbert
-- birthdate : 08.15.82 (7 days and I'm 21!!)
-- birthplace : Allentown, Pennsylvania
-- eye color : hazel
-- hair color : right now it's almost back to normal - a dark brownish color, with some black still there and some left over highlights. I want to dye it again - either black, or a real dark red
-- righty or lefty : righty
-- zodiac sign : leo
-- innie or outtie : innie

...series two// favorites
-- music : i really like all kinds, although my faves are normally more toward the heavy side
-- cartoon : the simpsons, and family guy
-- color : blue!!! :-) purple is cool though, and the really dark red that is almost black
-- magazine : Maxim, US News and World Report, and this one mag that Laura always gets... maybe Redbook, or something like that?
-- tv show: maybe X-files, simpsons, family guy...
-- song : hmm, i have a few.... any song off hillbilly deluxe by Rob Zombie, Cousin in Miami by Jimmy Buffet, Bring Me To Life by Evanescence, hmm... and there are probably more, but those are the ones that come to mind
-- language : i love how french sounds when apoc and tucchi are spouting it off... even though i get really annoyed that i can't understand a word of it! and i love when tucchi speaks spanish at me, even though i only understand half of what he says! What i really want to learn though is Chinese.
-- food//beverage : I definitely love all things italian! specifically cheese tortellini with pesto sauce, and to drink either tea or California style SunnyD
-- subject in school : i really do love most of my International Relations classes... although definitely some more then others. like International Political Economy! Loved that class. i also have the feeling i'm going to love my Modern Dance class this coming semester... yay
-- ice cream flavor : mint chocolate chip, chocolate chip cookie dough, and strawberry
-- roller coaster : I don't have a favorite... just any that goes fast and has loops.

...series three// what you did
-- your most overused phrase on aol : lol, riiiight
-- the first thing you did when you woke up this morning : cursed the stupid jackhammer outside my window which woke me up....
-- the last image/thought you go to sleep with : it varies... normally something along the lines of, "i'm so f'in tired!"
-- the first feature you notice in the opposite sex : their smile, their eyes, and their hair
-- the best name for a butler : jeeves :-)
-- the wussiest sport : i don't know.... maybe bowling??
-- your bedtime : it depends, if i have to get up for work or class or something, then maybe 11-12ish... otherwise 2 is normally the earliest i go to bed.
-- your greatest fear : losing the ones i love... failure, and more specifically, not being able to do something when i really put my mind to it.
-- your missed memory : waking up every morning next to travis....

...series four//do you
-- take a shower everyday? : yea
-- have any crushes? : well, i'm with travis, so i wouldn't really call it a crush....
-- do you think you've been in love? : i am now
-- want to go to college? : doin it right now
-- like high school? : it was okay... but i'm glad i'm away from that. the only thing i miss is getting to chill with sebs, cassie, and heather everyday
-- want to get married? : yes sir
-- type with your fingers on the right keys : uh-huh... asdfjkl; god that was an annoying class!
-- believe in yourself? : most of the time, but everyone has their moments
-- have any tattoos/where? : i have my name in chinese characters on my right shoulder blade, i have the celtic tree of life between my belly button and my left hip, and i have my mystical man in the moon on my left ankle ... hopefully by the end of the year i'll also have my flame design on my lower back, and my tribute to my grandparents on my right ankle.
-- have any piercing/where? : 3 in the bottom of each ear, 1 in each cartilage (can't spell), my eyebrow, and my left nipple... getting the right one before summer is out
-- think you're a health freak? : uh, anyone who eats as many HotPockets as I do, couldn't possibly be!
-- get along with your parents? : yea, now that i don't live at home anymore, i actually do! it's kind of cool. i just go to their place for a few days around christmas and thanksgiving, and pop in for birthday... so we really don't fight at all anymore. it's great.
-- Like thunderstorms? : Oh man, they are my favorite thing!!!

....series five// the future
-- age you hope to be married : hmm... i don't know, it depends on what trav and i decide together. but i figure we'll definitely be married by the time i'm 23
-- numbers and names of children : i really don't know... it depends on how we feel multiple years from now, when we actually want to have kids. maybe 2 or 3??? i don't know. as for names, all i know is i like the name Gwenivere, so that will be a daughter, and I like the name Benjamin so that will probably be a son. but who really knows.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding : i don't know... something nice??? lol. maybe outside, but my luck it would rain!
-- How do you want to die? : i could give the typical answer of while i'm asleep... but honestly i can't answer this, because i don't want to die!!
-- What do you want to be when you grow up? : who fucking knows! lol, i'm technically an adult, so i could say i'm grown up, but i know i'm going to be "growing up" for the rest of my fucking life, so i don't know what i'm going to want to do for all that time. i know i want to get into government, either state department or cia or fbi or dod, but after that, who knows!
-- What country would you most like to visit?: ireland, scotland, wales, and china.

...series six// opposite sex
-- best eye color? blue
-- best hair color? : i don't know...
-- short or long hair? short
-- best weight?: whatever looks good with their body type... not too skinny, but not fat.
-- best articles of clothing?: anything that they are comfortable in... dressed down, like t-shirts and cords or something
-- best first date location with crush? : who knows i've never really gone on dates?!
-- best first kiss location with crush? : on the lips... thanks..... x-)

...series seven// other
-- when's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? : last night
-- how many rings until you answer the phone? : depends on how far i am from the phone...
-- what's on your mouse pad? : i'm at work right now, so it's a stupid Lehigh University mouse pad
-- how many houses have you lived in?: well, my parents and i lived in 4, i think... and i have lived in 2 of my own, including where i am now.
-- how many schools have you gone to? : Northwestern Lehigh, and Lehigh University
-- what color is your bedroom carpet? : hmm... i think its a brown beige color
-- would you shave your head for $5000 dollars? probably not
-- if you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you what would you take?: a cell phone to call the motherfuckers to get me out, and a thing of food and a book to entertain me until they got there!!!

...series eight//things you wear daily
-- deodorant : i think i have lady speed stick now...
-- hair gel : none
-- shoes : either my super comfy, all broken in sneakers; or my jesus sandals
-- necklace : my silver and black heart from travis
-- clippie things for hair: nope
-- socks : sometimes

...series nine//others
>*Nicknames: Meegz, Meg, Mama, Hoover...
>* Height: about 5'2" or a little more...
>* Shoe Size: anywhere from a 7.5 to an 8.5 depending on the maker
>* Brothers/Sisters: older half sister - gwen, younger brother - Ethan, 13
>* Who lives with you: my summer roommates are Apoc, Tucchi, and Kat... and hopefully i'll be getting an animal soon too.

>------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------
>* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: uh, unfortunately yes... twice. once freshman year, once sophomore year... but not since, and never again!!!
>* Missed school Bus: yup
>* Put a body part on fire for amusement: uh, can't say that i have... i have accidentally almost set myself on fire, but never on purpose!
>* Been in a car accident: yes, 2 of them... luckily neither was while i was driving. yuck... that was horrible
>* Been hurt emotionally: everyone has...
>* Kept a secret from everyone: yup
>* Had an imaginary friend: i think i might have had one when i was younger....
>* Wanted to hook up with a [girl] friend: wanted to? or did? either one, been there, done that...
>* Cried during a Movie: i definitely cried at the end of Beautiful Mind... great movie.
>* Had a crush on a teacher: one teach in HS...
>* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: lol, Jessica Rabbit!!
>* Had a New Kids on the Block tape: yea... oh man. i even had the stupid barbie doll of Joe!!! man was that a bad time for little girls everywhere.
>* Been on stage: yea... for chorus, band, drama, and dance
>* Cut your hair: not myself, but yes i've gotten my hair cut
>* Been sarcastic: oh my god, noooo never..... do i even have to answer this?

------------FAVORITES------------------
>* Shampoo: pantene or suave
>* Scent: orange, coconut, travis :-)
>* Soap: Irish Spring.... with Aloe
>* Hairspray: this Herbal Essence hairspray, because it works but doesn't smell like shit
>* Day/Night: i definitely love the night time...
>* Summer/winter: i don't really know. i'm actually much more of a autumn fan. i like it because it's warm enough that you don't need coats, but cool enough that you aren't sweating your arse off. i like to ski and swim though, so i miss those in autumn....
>* Lace or satin: definitely satin... it feels awesome to sleep on satin sheet!
>* Fave salad: Wendy's Mandarin Chicken salad
>* Fave Movie: 8mm, Fight Club, Red dragon, American History X, Shawshank Redemption... I could go on and on and on ....
>* Fave Person to talk to online: i don't really know... anyone that i don't get to see on a regular basis, i love to talk to online... no one in particular though

-------------------RIGHT NOW------------------
>* Wearing: tie-dye shirt and my soft grey capri pants.
>* Hair is: just brushed straight, parted down the middle... nothing special
>* I'm feeling: good, it's friday!!!!!
>* Eating: chicken and stars soup, yumm...
>* Drinking: Nouriche yougart drink. Not as risky as some might want, but i'm at work, so i can't be drinking anything harder for the moment.
>* Thinkin bout: how i want to be done here to i can go home!!!
>* Listening to: the A/C run in the office, and my typing
>* Talking to: no one, i'm the only one here right now.
>* Watching: uh, the words appear on the screen

>-----------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------
>* Cried: hmm, nope...
>* Worn a skirt: no to that one too ...
>* Met someone new: not unless you consider saying hi at the grocery store "meeting"
>* Cleaned your room: not as much as i should have!
>* Drove a car: yupper, i drove my car to my internship yesterday

>---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------
>* Your friends: yes, they've been very good to me
>* Santa Claus: sometimes i wish i did
>* Tooth Fairy: again, sometimes i wish i did
>* Destiny/Fate: i think we all have a place that we are destine to end up in, how we get there however is completely up to us. however if we rely too heavily on fate we can lose it all.
>* Angels: I don't know... i'd like to think i'm being looked after though
>* Ghosts: i've had some scary experiences that say yes...
>* UFO's: as Sebs put it "i believe that the universe and galaxies out there would be a lot of wasted space if we're the only people takin' it up"
>* God: i do believe in God, i just don't know if he's how any of the churches portray him (or her)

>----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
>* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: yes
>* Like anyone?: yea, i'm pretty fond of my bf... lol
>* Who have you known the longest of your friends: hmm, i've know Heather since preschool... so that's almost 17 years now.
>* Who's the loudest: lol, i don't know... depends on what we're all doin... but i definitely think Tucchi and Rochelle can be loud, and Joe when he gets drunk and won't shut up!! lol. oh, and omg, Stella!! she's definitely a very vocal person.
>* Who's the shyest: well, ed might not be shy, but he's definitely quiet sometimes. i don't know if anyone is really shy...
>* Who's the weirdest: hmm, well i don't consider stella weird, but i know some of my friends do....
>* Who do you go to for advice: lots of people... i know i can go to any of my friends. i always talk to travis when i need any help, and i've been talking to tucchi about a lot of my problems lately.
>* Who do you cry with: depends on why i'm crying.... travis is usually the one i will cry to though
>*Who can make you laugh so hard milk can come out ur nose: lol, Jon!!!! my Mongoloid!!!!!!!!!! lmao... jon definitely always makes me laugh, no matter what.

>-------------------Other Random Questions------------------
>* Parents' names: Maggie and Drew
>* How much do you love your job?: the Philosophy Department, it's not bad at all... i get to check my email and stuff. donna is a great boss, and she's so awesome about hours and days off. i know that i could ask her for anything! i mean, this is definitely not what i want to do for the rest of my life, but it's great for now and until i graduate.
>* Been to Africa? uh, nope, can't say that i have.
>* Favorite day of the week: Fridays!!!!!! yay. means that i have a nice weekend ahead of me, and that Travis is coming up, or I'm going down there. I love Fridays!
>* Favorite word or phrase: lol, sure, riiight. later.
>* Favorite Sesame Street Character: lol, yea for Kramit... now that brings back some memories!! i love Zoe though too. she's so cute.
>* Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: KFry, McDonald's and Wendy's
>* When was your last hospital visit? in Feb... yuck, yuck, yuck. let's hope i don't have to go back for a long long time
>* How many times did you fail your drivers test? none
>* Have you ever been convicted of a crime? nope
>* Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? i don't know... can I count the mall as one store?? that would work for me. if not maybe Wal-Mart because they have DVDs, CDs, clothes, and food... either that or Best Buy
>* What do you do most often when you are bored? i listen to music, call up one of my friends, check my email... i've been reading A Lot lately too.
>* Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away: hmm, there is Piper in Cali... Dave in Arizona... and Anita in Hong Kong, even though i haven't talked to her since graduation
>* Most annoying thing people ask me? hmmm... i really don't know.... probably any adult asking me insistently what i want to do when i graduate. just once, i want to look them in the eye and say "i don't fucking know okay, stop trying to live through me"
>* Favorite all time TV show: Simpsons and X-files
>* Last person I went out to dinner with: hmm, apoc and kat i think
>* Last movie you saw: Tomb Raider 2
>*Favorite song lyrics: "How can you see into my eyes like open doors.... Wake me up (Wake me up inside), Wake me up (Wake me up inside), Call my name and save me from the dark, (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (Wake me up) before I come undone, (Save me) Save me from the nothing I've become" *Bring Me To Life... - Evanescence
>* Name only 2 people that you're happy you met this school year: Definitely Apoc, because he's an awesome roommate, and without Apoc, who would I have to pick on!! :-) And.... hmm, probably Becky, because even thought i met her before this year, i didn't get to know her until now and she's an awesome person to hang out with and drink hard lemonade's with when we're supposed to be doing stupid carnations!!!
>*Name the last thing that made you laugh: a hungover Apoc