the extent of me lately

Sorry i have not written lately. I can hardly begin to sum up how i've been feeling. The weekend was too quick, and i've been missing travis very much since then. But i was okay because i felt like i finally had things under control. I felt real good about my IR test, i was sure my Law test was going to go well also. And travis is coming on Wed. I am actually doing my reading on time, and i just was happy about things. So, this morning i took my Law test, and i have no idea how it went. I either did really well or really bad. Then i went to my IR class and got my test back.
well, i should preface this: i did really bad on the first test... REALLY bad. So this test i buckled down and worked harder then i think i've worked on a test in my whole time here at Lehigh. So i get my test back today and i got a C... a god damn fucking C. A friend of mine who didn't study until the night before the test did better then me. And so now i feel like shit. real shit.

That's the way things have been going for me lately. Just when i am feeling great... sure of myself and proud of how i am handling things, something like this happens and just pulls me back down into this feeling of bleakness. Like why the hell am i here? I've started to wonder if IR was the right major to choose... I love it, but obviously i can't do it, and i think that right now just having a major that i can do would be so much better. At least i'm doing something i love you say, but you know what... employers don't look at interest level as the main determinant for getting a job. I'm trying to be more positive though... i'm trying, i just don't know if it's working.

Here's something i wrote to travis that i feel really expresses how i've been feeling lately:
"I love you so much Travis. I'm sorry i get down sometimes, i know that you hate it... i don't mean to make you sad. Sometimes i just get very frustrated with myself and my situation right now. I just want this phase of life to be over with. I am tired of school, i've been here for 15 years now, and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of not getting things. I'm tired of living with people who say one thing and do another, who are stupid with there money and want to complain to me because i have financial aid. I'm tired of missing you during the weeks. But i know that i can do this, and i know that i only have one more year. And i know that i shouldn't be so down on myself. And i love you for constantly reminding me of that... no matter how many times you have to say it. And i love you for believing in me, and forcing me to believe in myself even when i don't want to. Thank you."
and i know that i really should believe in myself more, and try to see the good side of things. with a boy like travis especially!
"I am so proud of you. You worked very hard and improved your score. Don't get down about not acing the test. Especially now that you have shown to yourself that you can buckle down and get the work done. You prepared yourself well for the test. Now you have even more time and more ways to improve for the final. I am sure that you will do great. I want you to know that I am truly proud of what you have done and are doing. You continually amaze me with your abilities to get so much accomplished. Yes, some people don't have to study as long as you, but some people also don't have to work two jobs to be able to stay at Lehigh. You have said it yourself a million times that you are really making it hard on yourself by doing so many things at once, but it only goes to show how strong you truly are. I want you to smile for me, and all of us that care about you. You are wonderful. I love you so much and can't believe that I get to see you tomorrow night. I am so happy. You make my days go so fast just knowing you are there for me. Why don't you sit back and take a deep breath. You have completed a lot of obstacles in the past weeks."

so that's what i am going to do. If you want me tonight, i'll probably be at Psi U... sitting back, taking a deep breath, and trying to relax.